Once upon a
time, Little Red Riding Hood went visiting her grandmother. So Little Red
Riding Hood put on her little red riding hood and set out on a dangerous hike
on the winding paths under the gloomy canopy of trees, where the wilding wolves
had taken many a jogger. Finally, after a perilous journey past the tree
huggers, hippies, bums, junkies, and perverts of the forest, she emerged on
Central Park West.
When she
got to the tiny cottage at the end of the limestone canyon where her
grandmother lived, she knocked at the door. "Granny, Granny, are you home?
I brought you your favorite rugelach!"
But when
the door creaked open, it wasn't her grandmother opening it, but a handsome,
charming prince with a head of luxuriant blond hair, much like a golden
pussycat.
"Why,
what orange skin you have!" exclaimed Little Red Riding Hood in wonder.
"The
better to stain you with!" the prince growled.
"What
tiny, deep-set eyes, framed by pale circles, like a negative image of the
raccoons in the woods, or a highwayman's mask, you have!"
"The
better to ogle you with!"
"What
short, vulgar fingers you have!"
"The
better to grope you with!"
"What
shiny big hair you have!"
"The
better to seduce you with!"
"Uh,
is my Granny home, sir?" Little Red Riding Hood timidly changed the
subject.
"No,
she very, very, very much isn't! And you'll really, really never see her again,
you little red anchor baby! I deported your huge illegal alien grandmother to
her ancestral homeland! Sad. Will you marry me, you huge little hater and
loser?" the prince boldly changed the subject. "It's going to be
amazing. Believe me."
"But
why would I marry you, you who deported my Granny?" Little Red Riding Hood
sobbed.
"Because
you're a really, really hot piece of ass under that very, very, very silly
little red riding hood, plus I really, really like marrying aliens. Because I'm
the God Emperor Donald J. Trump, and I'm very, very, very rich. I'll give you
$10,000,000! Because I'll make you great again, like everything I touch!
Because I have huge, well-formed hands! Look, having God Emperor Donald J.
Trump — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John
Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School
of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative
Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat,
they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s
true! — but when you're a conservative Republican, they try — oh, do they do a
number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student,
went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my,
like, credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you
look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been
so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my
uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power, and that was 35
years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen, and he was
right — who would have thought?), but when you look at what's going on with the
four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three
and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is
fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven’t figured that the women are
smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about
another 150 years — but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are
great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us. Oh, and
otherwise, I'll have to deport you to your ancestral homeland. You'd really,
really be a not smart person. Believe me. Sad."
By now,
Little Red Riding Hood was deeply in love with the God Emperor Donald J. Trump,
with his unwarranted self-confidence, his money, his power, his fame, his
charm, his wit, his intellect, his handsome good looks, and his beautiful hair,
like all women. Plus, he had freed her from her really, really not good, nasty,
horrible, fat, old illegal alien grandmother with the face of a dog (who used
to bleed from every possible orifice in her younger days).
And they
lived happily ever after, if he didn't leave her for a younger woman. Sad.
A Fairytale
of New York
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