Top Ten Ways to Get Rid of Holiday Callers

Are you sick and tired of getting annoyed by surprise visits from uninvited St. Nicks, like nosy neighbors, self-appointed friends, and clingy exes?

Fear not, Scrooge McAlex got you covered with his top ten ways to caller abort them!

(10) "Do I know you?"

(9) "Did you have a name?"

(8) "Your babysitter just called. She was looking for you, 'cause she can't get junior out of the microwave."

(7) "Try this eggnog I made with the egg I found in the floor vent."

(6) "Sorry, you should have called ahead. I'm busy alphabetically arranging the tree ornaments."

(5) "You look like I feel."

(4) "Come back New Year's Eve, bring a hooker and a bottle of champagne."

(3) "Funny, I just tossed your gift. If you hurry, you can still catch the garbage truck."

(2) "You dare show up with nothing but that?"

And the single best way to get rid of unwanted holiday callers cluttering up your doorway is:

(1) *Slam!*

Top Ten Things Chicks Always Wanted to Know about Men

But Were Afraid to Ask

(10) Women wonder: Do men like it if we wear heels?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but mostly because it's funny to see you falling down the stairs. Besides, once you're pushing forty, the bones in your feet will be so worn out you can't catch us when we date younger chicks.

(9) Women wonder: Do men like it if we wear hose?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but those who do like it likely like to wrap your whole body in plastic. So the next time you date a nylon fetishist, be sure he leaves a hole for you to breathe through when he Saran-Wraps your head.

(8) Women wonder: Do men like it if we bare our bellies?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but mostly because we like to crack jokes behind your backs how much you look like shorn poodles. On a more serious note, it's a good way to make sure you're not wearing waist cinchers.

(7) Women wonder: Do men like it if we wear push-up bras?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but mostly because we love to make fun of you once you have to take them off. Conversely, it's not at all funny if you make fun of us once you find out we weren't glad to see you, but are carrying in Thunderwear.

(6) Women wonder: Do men love hooters?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but mostly because it's good to have something to hold on to so you can't run before we fuck you. Plus, for American males, hooters are forbidden fruit. If a bared ear on TV were to outrage the moral majority as much as a bared nipple, we'd love ears just as much.

(5) Women wonder: Do men like it if we wear makeup?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but only if it keeps us from getting grossed out when we meet an ug on the street. If you don't look presentable without a paintjob, we won't date you anyway. Some of us will lay you anyway, if you bring a bag (or two).

(4) Women wonder: Do men like a home run on the first date?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but we wouldn't have to hurry it so much if you weren't all the time trying to force us into a relationship, or worse, a marriage.

(3) Women wonder: Do men like cuddling?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but in practice we're afraid to stick around lest we end up in a committed relationship, which is, frankly, only for those who ought to be committed.

(2) Women wonder: Do men like it if we're intelligent, or do they care about looks only?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but… What did you say?

(1) Women wonder: Do blondes have more fun?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but in practice that's definitely an absolute.

Top Ten Ways to Tell Your Kids the Goldfish Died

Unfortunately, the folks who made this here video on how to tell your kid the goldfish died forgot to consult Alex.

But fear not, for here are the real ten best ways to tell your kids the goldfish died:

(10) "You kids love Mr. Bigglesworth, don't you? See, today he's one happy and well-fed cat."

(9) "No, Mr. Bubbles isn't dead. He's just… drunk." (Is the pet store still open?)

(8) "Family, tonight there's fish for dinner!" Or, for our limey friends: "Chips, anyone?"

(7) "Otto West went thataway!"

(6) "Did you kids ever know that if it rains, it's the big fishbowl in heaven overflowing from another 'angelfish'? By the way, that little shower out there is Mr. Bubbles."

(5) "Guess who just won that excellent trip down the water slide in the bathroom?"

(4) "Small fry, I bought you this here elegant plastic fish. And the best thing is, it won't just die like Mr. Bubbles." (In fact, it'll still be around when the sun goes boom.)

(3) "Your mom's just died, so I'm gonna move in with my girlfriend. You kids I'm gonna sell into slavery in Saudi Arabia. And all your toys I'm gonna give to an orphanage. Only kidding, it's just that Mr. Bubbles died and I wanted to put things into perspective a bit."

(2) "Kids, I've got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is Mr. Bubbles' earthly sufferings are over. The bad news is Roman Polanski moved in next door."

And the single best way to tell your kids the goldfish died is:

(1) "Kids, let's be frank, Mr. Bubbles is no more. But don't be sad, before he died I was able to upload his soul into this here tiny computer." (You didn't think you'd ever be able to reuse that Tamagotchi, did you?)

Top Ten Things to Do on Election Day

The top then things to do on election day, best to worst:

(1) Vote for Barr/Root.

(2) Write in Ron Paul.

(3) Write in yourself.

(4) Write "Fuck You All!" all over the ballot.

(5) Tear up the ballot.

(6) Hand in a ballot as illegible and hard to process as possible.

(7) Hand in a blank ballot.

(8) Stay home.

(9) Vote for Osama/Bidet.

And the single worst thing you can do on election day is:

(10) Vote for Alzheimer/Imbecile, uh, McCain/Palin.

No new fundies!

Top Ten Things Sarah Palin Can Do for Her Party and Her Country

(10) Tell Vladimir Putin (and his ex-KGB guards) to his face what she's telling about him behind his back.

(9) Start breeding brain cells like she breeds kids.

(8) Get her head back into her moose ass, fast.

(7) Have a brain switch operation with baby Trig, easily doubling her IQ.

(6) Move her Mormon tribe to Salt Lake City and run for village idiot.

(5) Shut the fuck up.

(4) Apply for a job she's qualified for, like janitor at the Wasilla town hall.

(3) Quintuple her IQ by going blond.

(2) Get laid by Dubya: As two negatives make a positive, their kids simply have to be geniuses.

And the single best thing Sarah Palin can do for her party and her country is:

(1) Go hunting with Dick Cheney.

No new fundies!

Top Ten Reasons Gun Control Freaks Are Insane

To really believe in gun control, you have to believe these nifty little lies:

(10) That guns are not an effective means of self-defense, which is why police carry them.

(9) Washington, DC's low murder rate of 80.6 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Arlington, VA's high murder rate of 1.6 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control.

(8) That a hijacker could easily take a gun away from a pilot, but the hundreds of passengers aboard would then be unable to take the gun away from the hijacker.

(7) That if there'd been a gun aboard American Airlines Flight 11, someone could have been hurt.

(6) That we should outlaw bullet proof vests so criminals can't use them, and private citizens should be then proud to be killed in the crossfire, knowing they are doing their part for society.

(5) That a baseball bat is good protection against a burglar, provided his gun fires baseballs.

(4) That it's safer with less guns, which is why lunatics shoot up schools instead of gun shows or police stations.

(3) That an intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .44 Magnum will get angry over your retaliation and kill you.

(2) That firearms in the hands of private citizens are the gravest threat to world peace, and China, Pakistan, and North Korea can be trusted with nuclear weapons.

And the best reason gun control freaks are insane is:

(1) That guns are the gravest threat to society because 83,000,000 gun owners didn't commit a crime yesterday.

For more reasons, read this article:

"Forty Reasons to Support Gun Control"

And for even more:

Michael Z. Williamson, "It's Amazing What One Has to Believe to Believe in Gun Control" (Apparently the original, from which this and the other article are excerpted.)