Reporting Evil Patriots to Attack Watch

Hey, Obama, I want to snitch on my parents. They say you're a communist.

Hey, Obama, I'm looking for the office of the Thought Police.

Hey, Obama, they say your IQ is 70, 35 in the morning and 35 in the evening.

Hey, Obama, they say you need an ear job.

Hey, Obama, they say you're dumber than either the shrub or Palin and have done more to destroy America than both of them together.

Hey, Obama, my fellow entrepreneurs say they won't hire anybody as long as they don't know what Obamacare will cost them.

Hey, Obama, they say you defrauded investors and handed GM to your union buddies/sponsors.

Hey, Obama, they say you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Hey, Obama, they say you fell out of the idiot tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Hey, Obama, all my friends are libertarians, i.e., by your definition, domestic terrorists. Where can I report them?

Hey, Obama, I'm an anarcho-capitalist. Where can I report myself?

Hey, Obama, they say there are gremlins in your computer. Watch out!

Hey, Obama, they say you're dumber than you're ugly.

Hey, Obama, they say you, Papa Smurf, and Karl Marx are one and the same person.

Hey, Obama, my telescreen is on the fritz. You can't see me anymore. Help!

Hey, Obama, there's plenty of stuff on right-wing blogs that needs to go down the memory hole.

Hey, Obama, do you know that your new website sports the nazi colors?

Hey, Obama, you're late: 1984 has come and gone.

Hey, Obama, my neighbor Winston Smith has smashed his telescreen.

Hey, Obama, they say you should read a book called "Atlas Shrugged."

Hey, Obama, I want to report my latest book, "Mysterious Boat." It's full of evil anarchic right-wing stuff. Can you refute it?

Hey, Obama, the paper your book is printed on is way too tough.

Hey, Obama, they say you should publish your scribblings on toilet paper, so it has some use.

Hey, Obama, the exchange rate fluctuations caused by your insane policies have hurt my business. Will you give me a refund? After all, you have money for this here kind of shit.

Hey, Obama, they say you're second only to FDR as the worst president ever.

Hey, Obama, they say you could benefit from economics lessons from a Valley Girl.

Hey, Obama, they say you believe in shovel ready projects.

Hey, Obama, is this the website for Nobama for America?

Hey, Obama, I want to donate to your cause. I have a snail shell and two pieces of pocket lint.

Hey, Obama, I want to thank you for solving the immigration problem. Since you ruined the country, no one wants to come anymore.

Hey, Obama, I'll be rooting for you in 2012. The Republican candidates are all bigger morons than you.

Hey, Obama, where can I join the Junior Spies and the Youth League?

Hey, Obama, they say you look like the backside of a donkey.

Hey, Obama, they say it's impossible to smear you: Whatever one says, the truth is worse.

Hey, Obama, the rich say you're already looting enough of the wealth they produce.

Hey, Obama, the rich say they will move to a place called Galt's Gulch.

Hey, Obama, the rich say they're gonna do some seasteading. Let me explain this to you: They all move on a big cruise ship, which means you and the other losers can then go tax each other.

Hey, Obama, the rich say they're gonna pay their fair share. Here it is:

Happy Birthday America!

Happy 235th, and long may you wave, in spite of the shrubs and Obamas!

Tags: Independence Day, Martina McBride, Martina McBride Videos

Now I ain't sayin' it's right or it's wrong
But maybe it's the only way
Talk about your revolution
It's Independence Day

Let Freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a
Day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong,
Let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away,
Let the guilty pay,
It's Independence Day

Unselfish People Are Most Selfish

Today it struck me that of all the people I have met, the unselfish ones are the most selfish. (In the traditional sense, not Ayn Rand's reframe.)

It's the most "liberal," left-wing, avowedly meek and tolerant moon bats, unselfish by their own accounts and only out to help others, that are most intolerant (of everything but left-wing stuff), opinionated, pushy, arrogant, touchy, resentful of criticism, entitlement-minded, greedy (for donations and tax money for their pet causes), and the first to call for a law that attempts to exterminate any of their pet peeves with psychotic violence. The same is true, to a lesser degree, of the wing nuts and Jesus freaks. (Maybe it seems to me to be to a lesser degree just because I never go to Utah or Mississippi and slum with the hardcore Jesus freaks.)

It's the people that in your face are warmest, friendliest, kindest, and most mild-mannered that will explode into a fireball of rage once you scratch the surface and question the beliefs they take for granted and regard as universal. Let's call it the Mother Theresa syndrome, after the bitch that believed that for helping those who were dying in agony find Jesus (instead of giving them medicine) she was entitled to free flights, at the expense of airlines.

It's not so much the objectivists (except for Rand herself) that defriend people for disagreeing with them. It's the moon bats, and to a lesser degree, the wing nuts. And while the objectivists / Rand fans I know can be jerks, just as Randians reputedly are, they pale in comparison with the moon bats.

True, there is quite some repudiating going on, but that's nothing against what happens if you question the principles of a liberal. And it's not because my opinions are closer to objectivists and libertarians than to moon bats and wing nuts. I've fought with all of them, and it takes much less to provoke a more psychotic reaction from a moon bat than from a libertarian.

I'd say I'm selfish (in the Randian sense of caring mostly about my own affairs), and that entails some of the above qualities commonly considered negative, like arrogant, opinionated, intolerant (of intolerance), greedy, etc. But compared with the unselfish people, I'm Gandhi (as are most objectivists and libertarians).

So while selfishness in the Randian sense can turn someone into a major jerk, that's nothing against the unselfishness of the moon bats. Given that observation, it's little wonder that the state is so ready to threaten and use lethal force to "protect people from themselves." The unselfish, the moon bats and the wing nuts, make sure of that by voting the way they do, for fascists like Obama and the shrub. Unselfishness is preached as a virtue, and observe the results.

And no matter how controversial Rand's reframe of "selfishness" is, she was right. Unselfish people are indeed no good.

The unselfish may be saccharinely friendly in your face (at first), give to the poor, and volunteer for the community, but if you disagree with their socialism and/or Jesus crap, at best you're dead to them, and at worst they call for a law to send you to a concentration camp. In fact, I think I can formulate that as a general rule: If someone I meet is unbearably saccharine, chances are she will explode into a fit of psychotic rage the first time I disagree with her.

This rule can be expanded beyond moon bats and wing nuts to include all second-handers, even libertarian ones. As a second-hander bases her self-respect on the number of her friends instead of on her own achievements, she will try to ingratiate herself with everyone she meets. But if her second-hander beliefs are questioned or once she is frustrated by the unworkability of second-handedness, she will react with all the negative qualities that are stereotypically associated with the straw man of the selfish person, although a truly selfish person has much less of them than an unselfish person.

The meek shall destroy the world. It makes sense: As there is no way their delusions can be defended rationally, flight and psychotic violence are their only weapons in an argument.

Objectivists, compared with the moon bats and wing nuts, you are gold! (You may want to copy and paste and treasure this one, as I'm not going to say that often.)

Alex Saves the World Wide Web

It has been brought to my attention that the English-speaking world wide web is being bogged down by the fact that the www abbreviation takes six to nine syllables to pronounces, twice to thrice the amount it takes to pronounce the original word. As www is an ubiquitous element that needs to be pronounced whenever a URL is given, the English-speaking world wide web and the economies built upon it are at a serious disadvantage competing with economies whose languages pronounce www as only three syllables. Furthermore, the US being the world's foremost economic and cultural power, a collapse of the American internet would precipitate the world back into the Middle Ages, or at least the 1950s, which is the same.

So what is to be done?

In my infinite generosity, I give you "three shrub," which is how www is to be pronounced in English from now on. Now, at only two syllables to the www, English-speaking countries will be able to easily out-compete Continental Europe and Asia.

No, don't thank me all at once.

Trump: A Is Non-A

With Fox Mulder nailed to his scalp, Donald Trump obviously forgot all about the law of identity, if he ever knew it.

Over the last few years, according to interviews and hundreds of pages of court documents, the real estate mogul has aggressively marketed several luxury high-rises as "Trump properties" or "signature Trump" buildings, with names like Trump Tower and Trump International — even making appearances at the properties to woo buyers. The strong indication of his involvement as a developer generated waves of media attention and commanded premium prices.

But when three of the planned buildings encountered financial trouble, it became clear that Mr. Trump had essentially rented his name to the developments and had no responsibility for their outcomes, according to buyers. In each case, he yanked his name off the projects, which were never completed. The buyers lost millions of dollars in deposits even as Mr. Trump pocketed hefty license fees.

Those who bought the apartments in part because of the Trump name were livid, saying they felt a profound sense of betrayal, and more than 300 of them are now suing Mr. Trump or his company.

"The last thing you ever expect is that somebody you revere will mislead you," said Alex Davis, 38, who bought a $500,000 unit in Trump International Hotel and Tower Fort Lauderdale, a waterfront property that Mr. Trump described in marketing materials as "my latest development" and compared to the Trump tower on Central Park in Manhattan.

…

"There was no disclaimer that he was not the developer," Mr. Davis said.

…

Alan Garten, a lawyer for Mr. Trump's company, said that, regardless of what Mr. Trump himself or any marketing materials had suggested, his role was disclosed in lengthy purchasing documents that buyers should have carefully scrutinized.

Make no mistake, Trump lied. He said he was the developer when he wasn't, which is proven by the disclaimers in the contracts.

He guaranteed these projects to his customers with his name, which to them stood for quality, and now he claims the disclaimer nullified that guarantee. It is an interesting legal and moral question whether you can make an oral guarantee and then simply go, "April fool!" and revoke it in the written contract. No matter what the courts decide, however, morally speaking, Trump should indemnify his victims at least to the amount that he profited from the deals where they lost.

Instead, The Donald cynically claims that, due to the crash of property values, his victims would have lost even more on the apartments if the developments had gone forward. This is completely immaterial.

After all, if his victims had made a killing with the apartments, he would have claimed it as being due to his "genius." Success has many fathers, but failure is an orphan.

If his victims had turned a profit, Trump would have taken all the credit for that. Now that they have lost money through him, he blames it on the market.

This kind of deception constitutes a worrisome trend I've seen growing worse over the last couple years. Marketing materials claim that a service is exceptionally A, only for the contract to painstakingly insist that the service provided is not to be considered A in any way, shape, or form.

Don't ever believe anything you see in an ad. All ads lie. (Except for my book ads on the right, of course.)

Read the contract. Read the fine print. That's where the truth is out there.

Trust no one. White-collar criminals will go through all the motions to appear legitimate and respectable to you. You can't go by appearances. Read the fine print, or you will be defrauded.

And no one has anything to give away. If it sounds too good to be true, it very likely is too good to be true. Stay the fuck away.

No, you don't need the government to protect you, even if you're not a Randian hero. In the fine print, there will be a very clear disclaimer saying that the service advertised as A is not in fact A and that you can lose all your money. If you read such a disclaimer, run like hell.

It's in fact those white-collar criminals that clamor to be regulated by the government, so they can advertise the fact that they're regulated. But all the government regulation in the world doesn't help you none if you sign a contract where you waive your right to receive the service you paid for. And once you sue them for deceptive advertising or the like, they're already in Brazil with your money.

"Trump. Owning here is just the beginning." What a threat. Do you really want to own a property that's infested with Foxes Mulder?

The sad thing is that even an unethical businessman like Trump would be a better president village idiot than Obama or the shrub. At least Trump can run a multi-billion-dollar business, give or take a bankruptcy or two, and not just commie unity organize. (*Wince.* Read: At least Trump knows how to successfully separate people from their money.)

Trump's borderline fraud is chicken shit against Obama defrauding auto company bondholders and thereby revealing that the village idiot has no clothes and that the "rule of law" was a myth all along. And at least Trump knows there's no such thing as "shovel-ready projects."

What's Trump's conduct compared with social security, the largest Ponzi scheme in history? What's losing a deposit compared with income tax?

Trump for president. A skyscraper on every corner. A dead cat on every head.

I mean that sincerely. No joke.

Well, a sad joke. Or rather, sad, but no joke. Or a joke, but not as sad or as big a joke as Obama.

At least things will not get boring with The Donald as village idiot. And you can make fun of him without the moon bats automatically bestowing the title "racist" on you.

Trump says that when he's elected village idiot, the world will no longer laugh at America. True. The world will be busy laughing at Trump.

Pics or Osama Ain't Dead

Carney also said the photograph of bin Laden dead is "gruesome" and "it could be inflammatory" if released.

The White House is mulling whether to make the photo public, but he said officials are concerned about the "sensitivity" of doing so. Carney said there is a discussion internally about the most appropriate way to handle the photo, but "there is not some roiling debate here about this."

Asked if President Barack Obama is involved in the photo discussion, Carney said the president was involved in every aspect of this issue.

I'd like to credit the Obama with executing the other O*ama, but for that the former will have to satisfy my standard of evidence that Osama bin Laden is in fact dead. If there are photos of Osama dead and videos of Osama's death and dumping, I want see them. Sure, they could be faked just like anything could be faked, just like the other O*ama's birth certificate could be faked, but that's my standard of evidence here. Pics or it didn't happen.

Dumping the body into the sea, if there ever was a body in the first place, was a real stupid thing to do, particularly if you're the favorite target of the conspiracy theorists already. It's like a call for tenders to conspiracy theorists. So pics or it didn't happen.

Come on, you can do this, you big wuss. You did it with your birth certificate, after all. If you did in fact have Osama executed, I will credit you with having bigger cojones than the shrub has. But pics or it didn't happen.

Sayonara, Bill Gates

I just fired Bill Gates. Explorer crashed on me once too often, so I made Google Chrome my default browser. I'm already using Open Office, and my next computer will probably run Linux.

Microsoft? More like Maxicrap.

That's capitalism, Bill: You manufacture crap, you go out of business. You won't be able to survive forever on the peons too dumb to install better software.

In related news, friend Kushal joins Reason and Liberty Central in applauding Google's decision to finally resist the Chinese commies.

"I wonder why the state's political power didn't get overturned in the US despite a complete freedom to call President Bush a jackass even while he was in the office."

If only it had.

I'm not quite sure, though, if he thinks pornography is damaging, or if he's just quoting the commies.

Me, I have never been damaged by pornography. On the contrary, things often get damaged due to a lack of porn:

Fucker from Winnemucca

Nick Parker responds:

We don't smoke opium in Winnemucca
We slipped shrub a trip on LSD.
That's how we deal with each fundie sucker
'Cause we like livin' right 'n' bein' free.

I sure make a party out of lovin'!
Holdin' hands? You ain't seen nothing yet.
It lasts till my hair's grown long and shaggy,
Like the hippies out in San Francisco get.

I'm proud to be a fucker from Winnemucca,
A place where balls can even have a square
We still wave Old Glory but burned the courthouse,
Yeah, tequila sure's the biggest thrill affair.

Leather boots are still in style for manly footwear;
Though beads 'n' Roman sandals can be seen.
Football was the roughest thing on campus,
Till me and the kids here killed the college dean.

I'm proud to be a fucker from Winnemucca,
A place where balls can even have a square.
We still wave Old Glory but burned the courthouse,
Yeah, tequila sure's the biggest thrill affair.

Yeah, tequila sure's the biggest thrill affair,
In Winnemucca, Nevada, USA.

Colonel Sanders Won't Be Amused

Alex is pleased to announce that he came up with the new advertising slogan for one of America's proudest products: "W Ketchup — It's pretzel chokin' good!"

Obama's First Hundred Days: D+

Protecting personal rights: A

His repeal of fundie insanity re tissue sample stem cell research, abortion, etc. by far outweighs his insane notions to further restrict gun rights.

Protecting economic rights: F

Sorry, robbing money from productive people to support failing businesses (which have been encouraged to behave irrationally by government regulation in the first place) is not a good idea, not even to prop things up. Dubya raised hell, and Obama's putting a prop under it. His global warming nonsense doesn't help things, either.

Total grade: D+ (Can't get anything better than a D with a failing grade on the report card.)

Nutcases Get You Coming and Going

This poor, apparently semi-sane fellow deluded into writing for Fascist Security Matters has a point about global warming: Someone that believes in global warming is a

genuine cuckoo who probably checks under the bed every night to make sure the bogyman isn't there.

…

Are these people crazy? You bet! Are the inmates in charge of the asylum? Yes, indeed.

…

If you ever wondered what it would be like if seriously deranged people were close to the seat of power in America, you can stop wondering.

Well, I actually remember that time quite well. It was called the George W. Bush administration, and the seriously deranged people were smack in the seat of power in America.

May I remind you of some of their superstitions? Tissue samples are life. Abstinence is a good idea. "Intelligent" design. So you're more comfortable having witch doctors like those in charge of nukes?

The inmates get you coming and going. With this two party system, your only choice is whether the next Dark Ages are brought about by moon bat global warming scaremongers or wing nut witch doctors.

Ultimately, there are only two solutions: Either educating people to such a degree that they will always elect Libertarian governments, removing the moon bat and wing nut witch doctor threats for good, or replacing governments with capitalism outright.

No Sanctuary for Mystics

Big trouble in little fundie land! Unlike the shrub, Obama doesn't protect mystics from the consequences of their actions.

By eliminating the enforcement of these legal protections, the Obama Administration is signaling that it intends to ignore the law and refuse to protect the civil liberties of healthcare professionals based upon religious or moral conscience. Without enforcement, healthcare personnel will have scant legal recourse for intimidation and bigotry rendering the laws intended to protect them meaningless.

Intimidation? Bigotry? Sounds sinister.

But there are two sides to every story. Here's the skinny (opens PDF) on the shrub's scheme to let fundie morons throw a monkey wrench not only into abortion, but into the most basic contraceptive services:

For example, the Church Amendments prohibit "discrimination" against health care professionals who refuse to perform or assist in the performance of abortion services. The draft regulations define "assist in the performance" broadly to include individuals with only a tangential connection to the procedure. For example, the draft regulations specifically permit an employee whose job it is to clean medical instruments to refuse to clean instruments used to insert an IUD.

…

The draft regulation could force Title X providers to hire employees who will refuse to do their job. Depending on how the Department interprets this regulation, Title X recipients may be required to certify that they will agree to hire staff who refuse to provide contraception, receptionists who refuse to make appointments for contraceptive patients, and counselors who refuse to provide patients with information about contraception.

That's about like the government telling an airline, "We'll subsidize you, but only if you hire pilots that are so afraid of flying that they refuse to take off with the plane." That's the kind of thing Obama rightly refuses to enforce.

So mystics want to be hired for medical jobs, paid for doing only part of their work, and if their superstitions prohibit them from doing some other part of their work, firing them is "discrimination," "intimidation," and "bigotry." Let me tell what "discrimination," "intimidation," and "bigotry" really is. It's initiating the use of force against women and doctors who refuse to accept the assertion that globs of cells are human beings just because an evil spirit allegedly told you so.

In a completely capitalist and fully free country, mystics would of course be free to play witch doctor as long as they don't deceive their patients as to the brand of "medicine" they offer. And fundie patients like Christian "Scientists" would be free to seek no medical attention, but the attention of their imaginary friend, and consequently go meet him early.

In today's collectivist, politicized world, however, fundies elect shrubs and Palins to hijack political power to initiate the use of force against women and doctors who refuse to accept the assertion that globs of cells are human beings. Now, voters turned tables and the fundies are on the receiving end of political power: It's payback time.

And what a harmless payback it is. Unlike the fundies, who would incarcerate women and doctors for "murdering" insentient globs of cells, Obama merely refuses to hand out government monies to witch doctors that pose as scientists and then refuse to do their work.

The chilling effect of the Obama administration forcing doctors and nurses to choose between their losing their careers and being compelled to participate in abortions against their moral and religious belief is incalculable. Not only will pro-life doctors and nurses be driven from the professions,

I've got news for you: If you base your "work" not on science, but on faith, you're not a scientist, you're not a doctor, you're a mystic and a witch doctor. If you take tax money for doctoring, but only witch doctor, that's called fraud.

If you want tax money, doctor as the government tells you to. If your superstition prohibits you from doctoring right, find some private payers and donors with matching superstitions.

…but patients will lose the ability to choose doctors who reflect their own religious and moral convictions, doctors who now help them to make healthcare choices based upon them.

That's of course nothing like what you'd do, you little fundie rascal: Your and shrubby's laws made sure patients lose the ability to choose doctors who reflect their own reasonable and moral convictions. Only under your rule, the deck was stacked against those seeking freedom from globs. Now you complain it may get stacked against the glob worshippers.

Efforts to roll back freedom of conscience protections are only the latest in a series of aggressive actions that demonstrate intolerance for those whose conscience is convicted in support of a culture of life:

So using lethal force against living women and doctors on behalf of nonhuman, nonliving appendages to female bodies that might some day become human life is a "culture of life"? You could much rather call capital punishment for murderers a "culture of life": At least then the lethal force is used in retaliation for real murders. You could much rather call shooting yourself in the head a "culture of life," because it saves countless cows that won't go into the burgers you can't eat anymore as you're dead.

In the first month of his presidency, Obama reversed the established Mexico City policy that kept taxpayer money from being used by international organizations for abortions as a method of family planning protecting millions of American from paying for a procedure that they find morally objectionable.

How about finding a way to protect pacifists from paying for defense spending? How about finding a way to protect the childless from paying for schools? How about abolishing taxes altogether?

Last week, the President unilaterally lifted embryonic-stem-cell research restrictions.

In the President's recent healthcare summit, groups that support abortion were invited but pro-life groups with a stake in healthcare were excluded.

Obama's making all the right moves now to get into my heart.

The fact is, there are doctors and nurses who have no moral objection to abortion. Why then, should some medical professionals be compelled to do something that compromises their conscience? It is one thing to hold fast to the pro-abortion position as a matter of a personal opinion, it is quite another to force someone else to compromise their moral integrity.

They should be compelled to do so because they're being paid for it, you lying fundie moron. If those witch doctors base their integrity on their superstitions, they ought to quit government-funded hospitals and go play doctor at church-funded hospitals that should not be able to and under Obama will not be able to get tax dollars.

Having no reason to believe that President Obama will not fulfill this radical campaign pledge, some Catholic bishops are talking openly about engaging in civil disobedience to protect Catholic hospitals and their doctors from being forced to perform abortions.

Jail them just as the fundies would jail women and doctors! Jail them all! Payback time!

When the Cooling Comes

Dubya, Palin, and Gore are drifting through a blizzard on an ice floe, debating who of them is the greatest idiot.

Bush goes, "I is dumbest Inuit… idiot in whorl hold… whole world. I is such stupid, there was a whole industry devoted to my stupidity."

Palin goes, "That's nothing. On account of my stupidity, my Vietnam veteran running mate lost against a Marxist Arab sporting the name of a mass murderer."

Gore takes off his shirt. "Man, is it hot here."

The Shrub Uprooted

Plus ça change, plus c'est pareil. About 250 years after the founding of the Republic, about 150 years after the abolition of slavery, the first black man is sworn in as President.

Yet what is his first task in the White House? Some gardening.

Today the shrub that had overgrown the White House grounds over the past eight years was uprooted and air-freighted back to Texas, where he can either take root or remain tumbleweed. Maybe the new President can help with repotting, too?

Wait a sec… Aren't there laws against weed? And how strictly are they enforced in Texas?

Anyway, hard to believe, Bush is gone and we're still alive. That at least, yes, we did.

As for the new man… Will he be better? We will see.

Alex Plays Fundie Caption Contest, Chapter One

Here the photo the wing nuts want a funny caption for.

My entries: "Realistan laughs best" and "Is that a tumbleweed or a shrub that's been kicked out of the White House?"

BTW, the email I had to send it to is FSMCaption@gmail.com — I wonder what the Flying Spaghetti Monster thinks of that blasphemy? I think those fundies ought to be grateful that the FSM is such a tolerant deity.

Ramen.

Anything Goes (Shrub Edition)

Dubya dined with Obama and the other extant looters-in-chief… Such a farewell dinner would not be complete without some serenading:

Times have changed,
And we've often rewound the clock
Since the Puritans got a shock,
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
When today,
Some shock the shrub fought on a whim,
'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock,
Plymouth Rock did land on him!

(Lyrics continued below.)



Nowadays a glimpse of stocking
Is looked on as something shocking,
For sure everybody knows,
Only fundie prigs wear hose.
The Alex too who once knew better words
Will only use four-letter words
Writing prose,
Anything goes!

If parking the next bimbo you like, (Why not?)
If lines of llello you like, (I like chocolate, dude.)
If old hymns you like, (Like the shrub…)
If bare limbs you like, (Boy, do I!)
If Jim West you like, (So totally platonically!)
Or me undressed you like, (Yeah, baby, yeah!)
Why, nobody will oppose. (Oh, behave!)
When every night the set that's smart is (You talkin' about me, partner?)
Intruding in nudist parties in studios, (Come on in, y'all!)
Anything goes!

When them guys at ExxonMobil (Hank bless them)
Still can hoard enough cash for Jim to "Yes" them
Then I suppose
Anything goes!

Plus, when The Donald still can hoard enough
Money to make a chick come
And take the vows,
Anything goes!

The world has gone mad today,
And good's bad today,
And black's white today,
And day's night today,
And that gent today
You gave a cent today
Once owned half of Lehman Bros.
When folks who still can ride subway trains
Find out that Alan Greenspan's famed brains
All money blows,
Anything goes!

If Valley girls can with great conviction
Instruct us all in diction,
Then Fluffy shows,
Anything goes!

When you hear those fundie morons lonely
Believe preaching abstinence only
Flies with bros
Anything goes!

Just think of those scores you've got
And those whores you've got
And those blues you've shot
And those clues you've got
And those pains you've got
(If any brains you've got)
Playing Grand Theft till blood flows.
So Mr. W., wasting taxes,
Can broadcast from a shed in Texas
'Cause the shrub knows
Anything goes!

You want more?

Encore:

If auto execs can swoop down in private jets
And get DC looters to underwrite their bets
'Cause pensions rose
Anything goes!

Bye-bye, shrubby! Have fun at Farewell Ranch in Texas! Beware of those evil pretzels. And if you happen to meet a bottle of bourbon, remember: abstinence only!

Good Riddance, Sarah!

Here's the farewell America has for Sarah Palindrome. A representative sample:

"Boy, I sure hope you keep her in Alaska forever."

"Keep her — please keep her!!!!!"

"Yikes! The dumbest candidate for anything in my lifetime and the only person who can make George W. Bush look presidential."

"She came, she saw, she got her butt kicked!"

One of the few fundie dissenters opined: "Yep […] hatred for someone that has gone much further than any of you could even amagine [sic]."

If only she would go a little farther still, to the North Pole, and never be heard from again.

Not that I like "President" Barrack Hussein Osama too much. Too bad that McCain self-destructed by picking that fundie nitwit.

Anyways, now is the time of healing, of getting over the nightmares of the Palindrome starting World War III by going after Putin with a shotgun if he rears his head… The nagging fear that a "President" Palindrome would replace the Constitution (imperfect as it is) with her interpretation of the ten commandments… That, like her poor son-in-law-to-be, all men would be shotgunned into joyless marriages to some fugly war pigs they happened to pick up. Too horrible to contemplate.

No new fundies! (Yeah!)

Top Ten Things Sarah Palin Can Do for Her Party and Her Country

(10) Tell Vladimir Putin (and his ex-KGB guards) to his face what she's telling about him behind his back.

(9) Start breeding brain cells like she breeds kids.

(8) Get her head back into her moose ass, fast.

(7) Have a brain switch operation with baby Trig, easily doubling her IQ.

(6) Move her Mormon tribe to Salt Lake City and run for village idiot.

(5) Shut the fuck up.

(4) Apply for a job she's qualified for, like janitor at the Wasilla town hall.

(3) Quintuple her IQ by going blond.

(2) Get laid by Dubya: As two negatives make a positive, their kids simply have to be geniuses.

And the single best thing Sarah Palin can do for her party and her country is:

(1) Go hunting with Dick Cheney.

No new fundies!

Maverick and the Moron

Team of mavericks? My ass.

Either you're a maverick or you're part of a team. You can't be both.

Every time I hear Sarah Palin speak, my brain tries to skip from my skull. It just can't stand such a concerted attack of idiocy.

She makes Bush look like a genius. If nomen were omen, Sarah Palin's first name would have to be Sahara, for the barrenness of her mind.

Too bad Palin's not intelligent enough to pass for a moron. Would have been such a catchy title for her ticket: Maverick and the Moron. The M&M ticket.

Now it's gotta be Alzheimer and the Imbecile. Or rather, Alzheimer and the Idiot.

No new fundies!

Category Five Bimbo

Hey, let's talk some more about everybody's favorite bimbo. Make that, brunette bimbo. In fact, she's brunettes' answer to blonde jokes.

Sarah Palin's been called a lot of things. Dan Quayle with a Ponytail. Hitler in High Heels. Now, Bill Maher called her a "category five moron."

I beg to disagree with this one. That cannot possibly be true.

Moron was originally an English scientific term, coined in 1910 by psychologist Henry H. Goddard from the Greek word moros, which meant "dull" (as opposed to "sharp"), and used to describe a person with a mental age located between 8 and 12 on the Binet scale. It was once applied to people with an IQ of 51-70, being superior in one degree to "imbecile" (IQ of 26-50) and superior in two degrees to "idiot" (IQ of 0-25).

Thus, you see, there are no category five morons — if a person is category five in stupidity, that makes her a category five idiot. In fact, back in Alaska, Palin was a regular participant in the Idiot Race (not to be confused with the more well known Iditarod Race).

Too bad she lost every time because she shot and field dressed her dogs. But then that's more or less par for the course at the Idiot Race.

Yet we should be grateful that Sarah Palin is with us today. Had she been around in 1925, Nome would have been wiped out by diphtheria.

By the way, speaking of field dressing…

If you've killed a cow moose, locate its uterus — if it's pregnant, remove fetus and transplant it to a surrogate moose womb because you don't believe in killing the unborn. You can shoot it later when it grows up.

Palin may be good for nothing, but at least she disproves all those stupid blonde jokes. You may not know this, but blondes are highly intelligent. All the stupidity that was available to nature went into Sarah Palin.



The eye of the bimbo:



Not a pretty sight. Someone's IQ going negative.



And I thought nobody could beat Dubya. At least no one with a pulse. Well, having a pulse doesn't guarantee having brainwaves.

Why, oh, why, did they ever let her out of her padded cell? But I already suspect the ugly truth.

You know, Alaska must be a bit behind the times. They don't yet have that nifty little invention called "Bellevue."

As the saying goes, you can put all the lipstick you want on a war pig… I say, no new fundies!