No More Fun with Fundies

I unsubscribed from the Fundie Security-blanket Morons' spam list. I can't believe I had to physically do it myself.

You'd think they'd get a hint, with all those snarky captions I sent them for their stupid propaganda contests. But then they probably harvested my email off a CC list — what can you expect from folks like those?

Well, I was getting bored dissecting always the same old fascist shit. Besides, those fascists are so revolting, they damn near made me a liberal, and I don't want to be a liberal.

Liberals are just as dumb as fascists. Just that they worship the "working " class, the international community, and other mobs, instead of god, tradition, race, and country.

Well, maybe they'll kill each other off… But then we reasonable people would get caught in the cross fire. Just like in World War II.

Anyway, it would sooner or later have given me stomach ulcers. Plus, as Friedrich Nietzsche and Ayn Rand had it, "It is not my function to be a flyswatter."

Nutcases Get You Coming and Going

This poor, apparently semi-sane fellow deluded into writing for Fascist Security Matters has a point about global warming: Someone that believes in global warming is a

genuine cuckoo who probably checks under the bed every night to make sure the bogyman isn't there.

…

Are these people crazy? You bet! Are the inmates in charge of the asylum? Yes, indeed.

…

If you ever wondered what it would be like if seriously deranged people were close to the seat of power in America, you can stop wondering.

Well, I actually remember that time quite well. It was called the George W. Bush administration, and the seriously deranged people were smack in the seat of power in America.

May I remind you of some of their superstitions? Tissue samples are life. Abstinence is a good idea. "Intelligent" design. So you're more comfortable having witch doctors like those in charge of nukes?

The inmates get you coming and going. With this two party system, your only choice is whether the next Dark Ages are brought about by moon bat global warming scaremongers or wing nut witch doctors.

Ultimately, there are only two solutions: Either educating people to such a degree that they will always elect Libertarian governments, removing the moon bat and wing nut witch doctor threats for good, or replacing governments with capitalism outright.

Oink, Oink, Oink

Wings nuts just love locking up weed smokers and throwing the key away. Hell, execute them all!

"Sen. Webb embraces a long-held liberal belief that, because the U.S. has the world's highest incarceration rate, this automatically makes it evil."

Guess what? He's right.

Perhaps the most important factor in higher prison rates is that the U.S. has some of the most sophisticated, well-trained and relatively corruption-free police forces on Earth. The pay, training, standards and efficiency of American police agencies are the envy of the world. U.S. law enforcement has the ability to detect and solve more crimes than most other countries, so it only stands to reason that more law violators are arrested, convicted and sent to prison.

The fact that American pigs bust more weed smokers than other pigs only means that the pigs must be stopped before they incarcerate everyone, as they logically must in the end, as the fundie "there ought to be a law" attitude has made it just about impossible to live without breaking the law.

The vast majority of Americans firmly believe that if someone commits a crime, regardless if violence is involved or not, he needs to be punished for it. What is so hard to understand about that?

If the vast majority of Americans believe they can criminalize weed, that only proves they're too stupid to be part of a democracy and have no business making laws or electing lawmakers. What is so hard to understand about that?

"I suppose Bernie Madoff should escape prison because he didn't kill anybody."

Trying to fight a straw man by conflating victimless crime with fraud. Nice try, buster, but not everyone is as stupid as you.

"Do the crime, do the time. It's an American cultural thing, Sen. Webb."

And murdering Jews was a German cultural thing. Did that make it right, moron?

If You Can't Get Obama…

…smear his family. The wing nuts wonder why the "mainstream media" aren't reporting this. Well, this is wrong on so many levels that only a wing nut could fall for it.

Those Family Security Matters morons add a whole new meaning to the word "family." Obviously, those collectivists are so obsessed with "family" that they can only judge a person by his relatives.

How in hell could Obama be responsible for the actions of his half-brother? What would the wing nuts say if the mainstream media smeared a conservative politician with the actions of his relatives?

And observe that Obama's half-brother was never convicted of anything. The Brits denied him a visa on the basis of unproven accusations, which had more to do with illegal immigration than with "child sex assault," anyway.

You can hear it all at the candy store read it all in this article: "Barack Obama's Brother Banned from Britain over 'Sex Assault' Lie". BTW, I guess The Mirror is very much mainstream media, though for the yahoos at Family Security Matters apparently only American media qualify.

Finally, the wing nuts' level of intellectual dishonesty is disgusting as usual:

Information on the database revealed that Samson — who manages a mobile phone shop just outside Nairobi, Kenya — was in fact the man who was arrested by police officers in Berkshire after he allegedly approached a group of young girls, including a 13-year-old, and allegedly tried to sexually assault one of them.

So how old were the other "young girls"? Obviously far older than thirteen: Had they been younger or as young, the wing nuts would have tried to make hay of it. And who says Obama's half-brother hit on the thirteen-year-old?

In essence, this is nothing but the old Ku Klux scare tactic, "Those niggers are raping white women! Lock up your wives and daughters, then assemble an old-fashioned necktie party!"

I can't understand how any reasonable person can associate themselves with that wing nut slime, given their obvious intellectual dishonesty and bankruptcy. Shame on you, wing nuts!

When will you finally discover that no rational person likes you? How many of your readers get your emails as spam, like I do?

Alex Plays Fundie Caption Contest, Chapter Four

Here the photo the wing nuts want a funny caption for.

My entry:

"Don't look now, Queenie, but there's a wing nut about to shoot us."

"Oh, I hate those paparazzi. They already killed my daughter-in-law."

MasterCard Mystic

Copy of Atlas Shrugged: $16.50

Copy of the bible: $8.57

Raving incoherently in front of college kids, making Bill Ayers look sane by comparison, and getting arrested for your trouble: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

The Irony! The Irony!

When Bill Ayers was allegedly killing pigs, wing nuts didn't like it. Now he cooperates with the fuzz — and the wing nuts don't like that either! Can't please wing nuts.

The wing nuts' headline: "Cowardly Bill Ayers Seeks Police Protection." So remember, lads and lassies: If you call the cops, you're a coward, in the eyes of the wing nuts.

Well, now, what is it that the wing nuts would want Ayers to do? Would they like it if he once more "took the law into his own hands"? I don't think so.

Some call Ayers a freedom fighter, others call him a terrorist. Relativists say one man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist. Objectively speaking, a freedom fighter fights to overthrow the system to replace it with a freer system; a terrorist fights to overthrow the system to replace it with a more oppressive system.

Apparently, Ayers was an anarchist and a communist. He was fighting an oppressive, fascist system, to replace it with a communist system that would in the end have become at least as oppressive. So talk about a mixed bag.

Quoth the mystic, "Only in America can an admitted Anarchist, terrorist bomber, Socialist and communist sympathizer become one of the nation's foremost educational leaders in curriculum development, from pre-school to post graduate, to teaching teachers."

And that's one of the things, one of the few things left, that are great about America. For the fascists that don't remember, it's called free speech.

What's wrong with Ayers being an educator? There's certainly a lot to be learned from anarchists, and even from communists — from the latter, at least, how not to do it.

What is much more ironic than Ayers' behavior is that of the wing nut fundie that started all that fuss at the lecture. No, I'm not even talking about his apologizing to the pigs that arrested him.

But think about it, apologizing to jackbooted thugs that use force against you — what an idea — even if you provoked them a tiny little bit. Certainly, a system that responds with potentially lethal force to hardly any provocation or threat at all needs to be overthrown, or at the very least, changed?

I won't dwell on that too long, scary as it may be: A wing nut getting himself arrested by a jackbooted government thug for defending said government, said "republic" of "goddamn rights" (if I caught the mystic right). I mean, does that mystic totally lack a brain? If I defend a man, a group, or a system, and that man, group, or system arrests me in return, that's the last day I defended that entity. Apparently, if you believe in invisible friends, you also lick the boot that kicks you. If that doesn't teach him, even Bill Ayers won't be able to educate him.

What is, however, much more ironic than both Ayers and that fundie using the power of the man for their respective ends is the fundie's choice of books: Atlas Shrugged — and the goddamn bible! Hey, fundies, Atlas Shrugged is a fucking atheist book!

Didn't Marx say something about capitalism breeding its own undoing? Well, at the moment it looks like mysticism is breeding its own undoing. Anyway, thanks, dear mystic, for crossing the aisle to promote an atheist novel along with your bible and even getting arrested by the man for it!

Alex Plays Fundie Caption Contest, Chapter Three

Here the photo the wing nuts want a funny caption for.

My entry:

"If the people had elected you in 2004, we wouldn't have Obama now."

"Obama's kind of OK."

No Sanctuary for Mystics

Big trouble in little fundie land! Unlike the shrub, Obama doesn't protect mystics from the consequences of their actions.

By eliminating the enforcement of these legal protections, the Obama Administration is signaling that it intends to ignore the law and refuse to protect the civil liberties of healthcare professionals based upon religious or moral conscience. Without enforcement, healthcare personnel will have scant legal recourse for intimidation and bigotry rendering the laws intended to protect them meaningless.

Intimidation? Bigotry? Sounds sinister.

But there are two sides to every story. Here's the skinny (opens PDF) on the shrub's scheme to let fundie morons throw a monkey wrench not only into abortion, but into the most basic contraceptive services:

For example, the Church Amendments prohibit "discrimination" against health care professionals who refuse to perform or assist in the performance of abortion services. The draft regulations define "assist in the performance" broadly to include individuals with only a tangential connection to the procedure. For example, the draft regulations specifically permit an employee whose job it is to clean medical instruments to refuse to clean instruments used to insert an IUD.

…

The draft regulation could force Title X providers to hire employees who will refuse to do their job. Depending on how the Department interprets this regulation, Title X recipients may be required to certify that they will agree to hire staff who refuse to provide contraception, receptionists who refuse to make appointments for contraceptive patients, and counselors who refuse to provide patients with information about contraception.

That's about like the government telling an airline, "We'll subsidize you, but only if you hire pilots that are so afraid of flying that they refuse to take off with the plane." That's the kind of thing Obama rightly refuses to enforce.

So mystics want to be hired for medical jobs, paid for doing only part of their work, and if their superstitions prohibit them from doing some other part of their work, firing them is "discrimination," "intimidation," and "bigotry." Let me tell what "discrimination," "intimidation," and "bigotry" really is. It's initiating the use of force against women and doctors who refuse to accept the assertion that globs of cells are human beings just because an evil spirit allegedly told you so.

In a completely capitalist and fully free country, mystics would of course be free to play witch doctor as long as they don't deceive their patients as to the brand of "medicine" they offer. And fundie patients like Christian "Scientists" would be free to seek no medical attention, but the attention of their imaginary friend, and consequently go meet him early.

In today's collectivist, politicized world, however, fundies elect shrubs and Palins to hijack political power to initiate the use of force against women and doctors who refuse to accept the assertion that globs of cells are human beings. Now, voters turned tables and the fundies are on the receiving end of political power: It's payback time.

And what a harmless payback it is. Unlike the fundies, who would incarcerate women and doctors for "murdering" insentient globs of cells, Obama merely refuses to hand out government monies to witch doctors that pose as scientists and then refuse to do their work.

The chilling effect of the Obama administration forcing doctors and nurses to choose between their losing their careers and being compelled to participate in abortions against their moral and religious belief is incalculable. Not only will pro-life doctors and nurses be driven from the professions,

I've got news for you: If you base your "work" not on science, but on faith, you're not a scientist, you're not a doctor, you're a mystic and a witch doctor. If you take tax money for doctoring, but only witch doctor, that's called fraud.

If you want tax money, doctor as the government tells you to. If your superstition prohibits you from doctoring right, find some private payers and donors with matching superstitions.

…but patients will lose the ability to choose doctors who reflect their own religious and moral convictions, doctors who now help them to make healthcare choices based upon them.

That's of course nothing like what you'd do, you little fundie rascal: Your and shrubby's laws made sure patients lose the ability to choose doctors who reflect their own reasonable and moral convictions. Only under your rule, the deck was stacked against those seeking freedom from globs. Now you complain it may get stacked against the glob worshippers.

Efforts to roll back freedom of conscience protections are only the latest in a series of aggressive actions that demonstrate intolerance for those whose conscience is convicted in support of a culture of life:

So using lethal force against living women and doctors on behalf of nonhuman, nonliving appendages to female bodies that might some day become human life is a "culture of life"? You could much rather call capital punishment for murderers a "culture of life": At least then the lethal force is used in retaliation for real murders. You could much rather call shooting yourself in the head a "culture of life," because it saves countless cows that won't go into the burgers you can't eat anymore as you're dead.

In the first month of his presidency, Obama reversed the established Mexico City policy that kept taxpayer money from being used by international organizations for abortions as a method of family planning protecting millions of American from paying for a procedure that they find morally objectionable.

How about finding a way to protect pacifists from paying for defense spending? How about finding a way to protect the childless from paying for schools? How about abolishing taxes altogether?

Last week, the President unilaterally lifted embryonic-stem-cell research restrictions.

In the President's recent healthcare summit, groups that support abortion were invited but pro-life groups with a stake in healthcare were excluded.

Obama's making all the right moves now to get into my heart.

The fact is, there are doctors and nurses who have no moral objection to abortion. Why then, should some medical professionals be compelled to do something that compromises their conscience? It is one thing to hold fast to the pro-abortion position as a matter of a personal opinion, it is quite another to force someone else to compromise their moral integrity.

They should be compelled to do so because they're being paid for it, you lying fundie moron. If those witch doctors base their integrity on their superstitions, they ought to quit government-funded hospitals and go play doctor at church-funded hospitals that should not be able to and under Obama will not be able to get tax dollars.

Having no reason to believe that President Obama will not fulfill this radical campaign pledge, some Catholic bishops are talking openly about engaging in civil disobedience to protect Catholic hospitals and their doctors from being forced to perform abortions.

Jail them just as the fundies would jail women and doctors! Jail them all! Payback time!

Two Klansmen and One Hypocrisy

The latest from Xenophobia Wing Nut Central:

"H1B Visa Holder Attempted Fannie Mae Sabotage — Where's the Outrage?"

Well, Klux-boy, there is none. Why should there be any? (BTW, where's your funny hood?)

A citizen of India, Rajendrasinh B. Makwana [,] attempted to sabotage the computer database at Fannie Mae. He was, according to news reports, employed as a so-called temporary foreign worker who had been authorized to work in the United States temporarily under the provisions of the H1B visa that had been issued to him.

…

"But there is no way of knowing much about any of these folks, and that immediately becomes a homeland-security issue."

Hey, you red-blooded — but not so red-skinned — American, does the word "punctuation" mean anything to you? (Omitting that comma only makes sense if you're fascist enough to imply it was his Indian citizenship that drove that guy to mess with the data.) I bet the average Indian (both the Oriental and the Native American variety) knows more about grammar than you.

But I digress. At least now I get your point, General Forrest.

Of course there are no criminals in America. All crimes are committed by immigrants, particularly by those who come from countries where most people aren't as white as you and your robe. Of course any native-born American can be trusted implicitly, and in the unlikely event he can't, the CIA got files on every American, so an instant background check is a snap, right?

"…my head felt as though it was going to explode!"

Why don't you wear your funny hood then? You don't want to spoil the furniture with your red American blood (not that there would be any cerebral matter), do you?

"I have yet another reason not to go to sleep this evening."

Right. You have to go find your funny hood.

"In reality, people who process our food are working in an industry that has major national security implications. Imagine how much damage a terrorist or a group of terrorists could do by poisoning food that is distributed around the United States to thousands, if not millions, of people."

Was that before or after the Jews poisoned your wells?

And right there on that junk site there's an ad that reads "conservative and right." Reading this article, it looks like the only combination there is is "conservative and dumb."

"No company that receives taxpayer bailout money should be able to hire foreign workers unless they can truly prove that there are no Americans who can do those jobs."

America for the Americans. Did the thought ever enter your lone brain cell that a job ought to go to the person best qualified, not to the person who happened to be born in a certain spot on the globe by accident?

Where did your ancestors come from, Klux-boy? Did they come across the Bering Strait, on the Mayflower, or even later? Mankind originated in Africa, and every human being who isn't an African living in Africa is an immigrant or a child of immigrants.

Ever heard:

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

Given the fact that America was built by immigrants, your article is as un-American as it gets. The fact that any immigrants are still coming in spite of fascists like you is a compliment to the things that are good in America.

This toilet paper of an article is collectivism at its ugliest. Burned a cross lately?

Alex Plays Fundie Caption Contest, Chapter Two

Here the photo the wing nuts want a funny caption for.

My entries:

"Pwned!"

"Revenge of the Nerds."

"Yes, we did."

"I can't believe they did it."

"If I hadn't picked that Palin bimbo, I wouldn't feel like a total idiot now."

"I feel old."

"McAlzheimer and the President."

"Jim West arrests Dr. Loveless."

"White Men Can't Jump."

"Rudolph, the Bow-Tied Reindeer."

"Hey, McCain, let's make a deal. You give me that mad ass funny bowtie, and I'll give Palin some brain cells."

And a Levee around Every City

Another good article from Wing Nut Central: "One Man, One Horse, One Acre, One Day — Turning Back the Agricultural Clock."

One of the organic farmers involved plans "to use horses full time and keep his costs down." I encountered this kind of "thinking" occasionally when I was an organic inspector. A few seemingly intelligent organic farmers actually think horses are more cost effective than diesel just because they eliminate a fuel bill. Wait until they start feeding those horses all year long, even when they're not working.

There are 20,000 man-hours of energy in a single barrel of oil, which even at its peak price never exceeded $160 US. Even if oil jumped to $300 a barrel, that works out to just a penny and a half per oil-powered man-hour.

…

In their single-minded effort to eschew fossil fuels, this CSA used four sailboats to deliver the wheat from the farms at one end of a lake to consumers (sorry, to the "community") at the other end; a 56-hour round trip for less than 225 bushels of wheat. (I guess they're lucky the harvest was a paltry 15 bushels an acre; abysmal even by organic standards.)

Instead of embracing basic, modern, mechanical technology, Canada's first organic grain CSA literally sailed its way into the history books; without doubt one of the most inane examples of modern-day Luddism; it's like they're playing a game of "farm."

Maybe these people don't think their time is worth anything, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most Canadians would rather leave food production and handling in the hands of people who are far more efficient. Even small organic grain farmers know that a standard super-B truck holds over 40 metric tons of wheat, more than 6½ times this CSA's entire harvest. One man, one truck, and only a fraction of a day.

Those bat-shit insane moon bat eco-terrorists indeed don't value their time. And they are so dumb that they don't realize the obvious:

Even if global warming did exist, were manmade, and could be stopped by going back to horse, buggy, sailboat, and cave…

Even if global warming did lead to melting icecaps and rising sea levels, even if global warming did lead to more extreme weather like an increasing frequency and force of storms…

The productivity, the economic output, wasted by going back to horse, buggy, sailboat, and cave would buy a steel-framed building in every lot and a levee around every city, with plenty to spare for a decent standard of living. But no, those brain-dead moon bats want to go back to the mass starvation of pre-industrial times.

This kind of thing can hardly be explained by fears of global warming, air pollution, and a dependence on foreign oil. The only possible explanation is open hatred for the human mind, for its inventions, for progress per se. They can eschew the effort of thinking and inventing better agricultural technology and at the same time be perceived as cool by all the other reindeer moon bats.

How would Ayn Rand put it? Anti-reality, anti-reason, anti-man, anti-life. QED.

Conservatives Don't Know Their Own

Looks like conservatives are their own worst enemies. They don't need any liberal slant in the media to get perceived as losers: Their lack of marketing savvy is enough.

A conservative blog asks: What are the best conservative movies of the past 25 years?

Answers list the usual suspects from Red Dawn to The Chronicles of Narnia, but with the precision of a Texas sharpshooter, miss the one paramount conservative movie. The movie that shows conservatives not as priggish, retarded fundies, but as outgoing, enterprising go-getters. The movie that put the fun back into fundie. A movie based on real events. In short, the best movie of recent years: Who's Nailin' Paylin?

Alex Plays Fundie Caption Contest, Chapter One

Here the photo the wing nuts want a funny caption for.

My entries: "Realistan laughs best" and "Is that a tumbleweed or a shrub that's been kicked out of the White House?"

BTW, the email I had to send it to is FSMCaption@gmail.com — I wonder what the Flying Spaghetti Monster thinks of that blasphemy? I think those fundies ought to be grateful that the FSM is such a tolerant deity.

Ramen.

Should I Found The Church of Alexology?

That "become a witch doctor and get another vote" business made me think… When the fundies finally implement that, I should be prepared and have twenty years as a cult church leader under my belt.

So I thought of founding The Church of Alexology^SM. Here's the deal: I get ten percent of your income.

In turn, you get one billion hours of free internet access after your death (yes, I lifted that from Dilbert) or The Secret of Eternal Life^SM when I find it (whichever happens first). And ladies, if I think you look good you have the fingerprint of Hank on your face, you get to come in into holy communion with your witch doctor guru pastor (talk about spiritual experiences).

Plus, you can buy an Alex figurine for a mere $99.99 (+ tax) to exorcise all evil spirits from your home with The Awesome Power of Cute^SM. (Who said I'm not that cute? Seize the heretic!)

You say you don't want to hole up at home all your life? Lucky thou, thou art saved!

Just buy a lock of my hair for a mere $999.99 (+ tax) (hey, I can get a near infinite number of figurines, but I can only grow so much hair) to wear in a locket around your neck to protect you wherever you go with The Awesome Power of Great Hair^SM. (Now, that you can't deny. Look at the pic on the right and worship me.)

Of course, you'll also have to be conversant in Scripture. See the first three Books of Alex^TM on the right.

I think I'm on to something here. Mwahahaha!

The Multiple Vote

Sometimes even wing nuts have a good idea: The multiple vote reform proposal recognizes, at least implicitly, that the chief drawback of democracy is that every moron gets an equal vote. Thus, this innovative approach gives multiple votes to productive and responsible individuals.

As a first principle, a multiple vote system in 21st century America should be designed to favor those who have put forth the greatest effort to be economically self-sufficient, and those who contribute most to society. In other words, those who have demonstrated that they understand the importance of making good choices in their lives would be rewarded. Just as a suggestion, a new American voting system might confer additional votes to all those of voting age, as follows:

And that's where the ground drops from under the wing nut.

"One additional vote for those with a college degree and/or active duty military service."

Hmm… An effort at bipartisanship or just plain thoughtlessness? After all, colleges are dominated by liberals. Well, who cares, at least it's one more vote for me.

"One additional vote for those with 20 years or more of demonstrated voluntary civilian service to church, community, state, or nation."

Now the true fundie spirit shines shit stinks through. Rewarding mystics for becoming witch doctors? And what about the latter half? Rewarding each and every bureaucrat and politician, no matter how corrupt?

"One additional vote for individuals who have raised at least one child to age 16 without being divorced."

Hmm… He doesn't mention all those enlightened folks who raise their kids without ever marrying. So it must be OK with him. If never marrying is OK, why then is he against divorce?

He probably can't even imagine that kids are ever born out of wedlock! Looks like that fundie would have to be more enlightened to be unenlightened.

Now for the hard part: What means raising? Shouldn't there be some success test? Or should anybody who shits out a baby and doesn't file for divorce for sixteen years be rewarded with another vote, even if she raises her kid to become a serial killer?

"One additional vote for those without a felony criminal record."

Again, nice in theory. But that would require a justice system that makes a credible effort to discover the truth instead of hunting scapegoats. Remember the West Memphis Three? And it would require a justice system that does not treat things like drug dealing and tax evasion as felonies.

"One additional vote for those who own their principal place of residence, mortgage free."

So why not cut through the red tape and simply introduce plutocracy? The more productive the individual, the higher the income, the more votes. There would be the problem of worthless heirs, but that could be addressed.

Look, for example, at The Donald. I used to admire him, but he's a textbook case of the Wynand syndrome: I still admire his work, but since I started reading his blog and got to know his petty and often borderline-irrational personality, I don't care much for him as a person anymore.

Nevertheless, even an average-to-bad capitalist like The Donald would be a billion times better at running a country than your average Obamabot or Palin disciple. (And I know some. I wish I would not.)

In any event, the multiple vote would be an important first step on the road towards anarcho-capitalism. Unlike anarcho-capitalism, however, state plutocracy does not address the problems inherent in the monopoly government's claim to exclusivity: No competition and an inherent mysticism.

In other words, vigilantes, even if they punish the right criminal justly, would still be persecuted just for not being the government. And government would continue to be a Hegelian juggernaut, instead of just another utility: People would still be ready to murder and to sacrifice their lives for the state, something they would never do for a non-mystical, corporate, private utility.

But I digress. If you want to know more about solving the problem of worthless heirs and minarchy versus anarchy, you'll have to wait for my next book, Mystic Triangle. And now back to our regularly scheduled programming:

Can it ever happen? Probably not… at least not so long as liberals control the White House and/or hold majorities in at least one house of Congress. It is precisely the under-educated, the uninformed, and the indifferent voters, and those who can be convinced that they are in some way "victims" of all the rest of us, who are essential to liberal success at the polls.

And here the wing nut mudslinging, predictably, goes off the scale. Need I mention college liberals again? Need I mention that many, like drug offenders, are indeed victimized by the fascist man?

So if you want to know the politics of friends or relatives who say they never discuss politics or religion, there's an easy way to find out. Just run this idea up the flag pole. If they salute it, they're probably conservatives; if they try to shoot it down, they're probably liberals.

Nice try, buster. I agree with the idea of the multiple vote, but I'm no conservative. You probably never heard the word libertarian?

Children of the World, Arise!

Smash your wing nut parents… pour that syrup down the sewers — to paraphrase Horst Buchholz in One, Two, Three. The latest email stench bomb by the wing nuts of "Family Security Matters" contained a link to a screed against the yet to be ratified (by the US and Somalia, at least) United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC).

Hank knows there's no love lost between me and the UN. The last thing the world needs is another level of government. Nevertheless, it would seem that once in a while even the UN comes up with a good idea.

Now for the dissection of that fundie shit:

The title of that benighted smear job already speaks volumes: "UN Convention on the Rights of the Child Would Threaten the American Family". So to those fundie wing nuts, the "family" is more important than the rights of individuals.

"Our Constitution and Supreme Court protect the fundamental right of parents to raise their children as they see fit."

There can be no right to treat another person as one sees fit. "Rights" means limits on how you can treat others. A "right" to treat others, including your children, as you see fit is a negation of the concept "rights." It's like a "right" to "own" slaves.

Of course, while children are not yet fully able to think for themselves, they need guardians. Naturally, by the law of causality, parents have the right of first refusal to be the guardians of their children. Nevertheless, if parents fuck up, everybody else, including the government, has a right to help those children against their abusive parents.

Now, what is right for children? What constitutes abuse? That's the hard part, and that's what CRC tries to address. Coming from socialist UN bureaucrats, it's certainly less than perfect. Yet, as the US government has defaulted on its responsibility to stop fundie parents from abusing their children by forcing them to abide by their cult or to carry to term unwanted pregnancies, someone has to step in and help those unfortunates.

"After all, parents act in the best interest of their children,"

What did that guy smoke? That's the dumbest phrase I ever read. That guy in one fell swoop blanks out the existence of child abuse.

"and know better how to raise their child than bureaucrats half a world away."

Apparently, they don't always know that. That's the problem.

"[T]he Constitution states that once treaties are ratified they become 'the supreme Law of the land.' Existing laws are overruled in favor of the treaty, and in the case of the CRC, almost all American laws concerning children and parental rights and the Constitution itself are overturned. The UN would have the final say over what is in the best interests of the child."

It's high time for that to happen. As the US government refuses to rein in fundie parents, it's time to give someone else a shot. That that someone else should be the UN is not pretty, but at the moment the only legal option.

"The UN's own Universal Declaration of Human Rights states: 'Parents have a prior right to choose the kind of education that shall be given to their children.' "

As I said, right of first refusal.

"However, pulling the child out of public school in favor of home schooling without the child's approval violates the CRC."

Well, it should. Home schooling by reasonable parents sure beats socialist public schools, but even the worst public school beats indoctrination by religious fanatics hands down, any day. If the child themselves doesn't want home schooling, who are their fundie parents to force them?

"Christian education curriculum is in violation as well."

And boy, it should be. Yay, UN! (Did I say that out loud? Must… not… like… UN.)

"The treaty also establishes a global curriculum for schools, which could drive home schooling and private schools into extinction."

That would of course be a minus…

"New 'rights' granted to children under the CRC include: freedom of expression, thought, association, privacy, conscience, religion, a right to rest and leisure, and more."

Scare quotes the fundie's. So, according to the fundie, "freedom of expression, thought, association, privacy, conscience, religion," are pseudo-rights just like the pseudo-right to "rest and leisure"? Or does he believe these are rights, but children don't have rights because they are children?

Plus, for children rest and leisure isn't a pseudo-right, as it would be for adults. Unless you want to reintroduce child labor.

And that they call family security. Oh, I see: Fundie parents' security that they can keep their children as slaves.

"Full abortion and contraceptive rights are granted, even against the wishes of the parents."

To a reasonable person, matters of course. To a fundie, abhorrent. Let's enslave our children to use their bodies as incubators, huh?

Look at it this way: Even fundie fathers wouldn't claim a right to rape their daughters, right? (Boy, do I hope I'm right… It's all relative in Dumbfuckistan.) But they do claim the right to force their knocked-up daughters to carry the pregnancy to term.

So what's worse? Having something you don't want in you for a couple minutes (or less, as we're talking about fundies here), or having something you don't want growing in you for nine months?

"Any child under the age of 18 is protected from 'degrading punishment' and 'physical violence,' ranging from spanking to the death penalty for minors — even for murder and rape."

A slight minus. But then the death penalty ought to be restricted to the very worst crimes anyway, like terrorism and mass murder, which are unlikely to be committed by minors. And I won't even address brutes that would want to spank their children.

"National children's health insurance and other welfare programs would be created for the U.S. in order to comply with CRC."

Another minus, but given the obscene level of corporate welfare going on, not bad enough a minus to disqualify CRC.

"The CRC even establishes a framework for the child to seek government review for every parental decision — a Pandora's Box of litigation."

So children should have no right to sue over abuse and grievances… Because that would be too much of a hassle. Wait… Why not abolish everyone's right to sue over anything? Now that would purge the legal system of hassle!

"Children are guaranteed to have access to material of any kind, even material that parents find unacceptable. Protecting your children from pornography would be in violation of their 'freedom of expression' and 'right to privacy.' "

Long overdue. Wait a sec… Protection from seeing naked people. Fundies never cease to amaze.

If our children see naked people fucking, they might become little perverts who one day want to fuck themselves. Let's send them to Iraq, so they get killed before they can do anything ungodly.

"Bringing your children to church against their will would violate their 'freedom of thought, conscience and religion,' as would forbidding your child from joining a cult or gang."

So it makes a difference if you call a cult a church?

"Phyllis Schafly, the Founder of the Eagle Forum, tells FamilySecurityMatters.org: … 'Do we really want to give every child the legal right to say anything he wants to his parents at the dinner table?' "

Yes. Like, "You're a couple of fundie morons, and I'm de-parenting you."

" 'To watch television ("access to the media") instead of doing homework?' "

TV is dumb; homework is dumber. I nearly always did my homework, and in retrospect, I learned more from TV, back when I used to watch TV.

" 'To escape household chores because they interfere with his UN right to "rest and leisure"?' "

Yeah, who's the UN to free those little lawn-mowing slaves we just made for that purpose?

" 'To join a cult instead of attending his parents' church?' "

So cults are OK, as long as it's the parents' cult?

" 'I think not.' "

True, she sure doesn't think.

" 'The UN Treaty on the Rights of the Child should be rejected as contrary to American constitutional law and common sense.' "

Common sense is so dumb…

"Ratification of the CRC would destabilize marriage and weaken families, which would in fact provide a more damaging environment for children."

Too bad, they can't grow up to be wholesome homophobic prigs… Poor things.

So the fundies are all keyed up that Obama wants to finally get this treaty ratified and may well succeed with his party's majority in the Senate.

Of course, this "article" bears all the hallmarks of a moral panic and ought to be taken with a salt mine. I doubt any court would interpret that treaty to give children the right to watch porn or to refuse to do their homework. And any moron who claims that the right to association covers joining gangs shouldn't be writing articles in the first place.

But even if only one tenth of the claims in it are true, I can only say: Ratify! Ratify! Ratify!

You know what? I'm starting to like Obama! Just a tiny, little bit, of course. Feels funny, though.

I guess if those fundies keep mailing me their bat-shit insane fascist shit, they'll make me a Democrat yet.

Wing Nuts Don't Know Who Their Friends Are, Either!

Or, for that matter, who their enemies are.

Someone put my email on the mailing list of a wing nut conspiracy by the name of "Family Security Matters," (The irony! Me of all persons and family security!) and now they keep sending me their right-wing junk. Anyways, for the time being I'll keep reading that dirt: "Know thy enemy" — and the comedic potential in those pompous assclowns is unlimited.

Thus, I'll post my dissections of their most insane shit under the "fun with fundies" label.