Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood went visiting her grandmother. So Little Red Riding Hood put on her little red riding hood and set out on a dangerous hike on the winding paths under the gloomy canopy of trees, where the wilding wolves had taken many a jogger. Finally, after a perilous journey past the tree huggers, hippies, bums, junkies, and perverts of the forest, she emerged on Central Park West.

When she got to the tiny cottage at the end of the limestone canyon where her grandmother lived, she knocked at the door. "Granny, Granny, are you home? I brought you your favorite rugelach!"

But when the door creaked open, it wasn't her grandmother opening it, but a handsome, charming prince with a head of luxuriant blond hair, much like a golden pussycat.

"Why, what orange skin you have!" exclaimed Little Red Riding Hood in wonder.

"The better to stain you with!" the prince growled.

"What tiny, deep-set eyes, framed by pale circles, like a negative image of the raccoons in the woods, or a highwayman's mask, you have!"

"The better to ogle you with!"

"What short, vulgar fingers you have!"

"The better to grope you with!"

"What shiny big hair you have!"

"The better to seduce you with!"

"Uh, is my Granny home, sir?" Little Red Riding Hood timidly changed the subject.

"No, she very, very, very much isn't! And you'll really, really never see her again, you little red anchor baby! I deported your huge illegal alien grandmother to her ancestral homeland! Sad. Will you marry me, you huge little hater and loser?" the prince boldly changed the subject. "It's going to be amazing. Believe me."

"But why would I marry you, you who deported my Granny?" Little Red Riding Hood sobbed.

"Because you're a really, really hot piece of ass under that very, very, very silly little red riding hood, plus I really, really like marrying aliens. Because I'm the God Emperor Donald J. Trump, and I'm very, very, very rich. I'll give you $10,000,000! Because I'll make you great again, like everything I touch! Because I have huge, well-formed hands! Look, having God Emperor Donald J. Trump — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you're a conservative Republican, they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my, like, credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power, and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen, and he was right — who would have thought?), but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years — but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us. Oh, and otherwise, I'll have to deport you to your ancestral homeland. You'd really, really be a not smart person. Believe me. Sad."

By now, Little Red Riding Hood was deeply in love with the God Emperor Donald J. Trump, with his unwarranted self-confidence, his money, his power, his fame, his charm, his wit, his intellect, his handsome good looks, and his beautiful hair, like all women. Plus, he had freed her from her really, really not good, nasty, horrible, fat, old illegal alien grandmother with the face of a dog (who used to bleed from every possible orifice in her younger days).

And they lived happily ever after, if he didn't leave her for a younger woman. Sad.

A Fairytale of New York 

Monday, October 17, 2016

Hilly and the Great Man

(With apologies to Tanya Tucker.)

He came ridin' in on the sunrise on a hot West New York day
A fancy man in a golden limo with some fancy things to say
Looks like you folks need some greatness, well, greatness is my game
And if you folks can raise some one trillion dollars, I betcha I can make you great

Step back, nonbelievers, or the great will never come
Someone start them crosses a-burning, somebody stroke my bum
He said, some may think I'm crazy for making all these claims
But I swear before this year is over you folks are gonna be so great

They all just stood there a-staring, trying to believe
But there was one named Hilly Clinton who said he was a lying cheat
She said, you call yourself a great man, well, you oughta be ashamed
Starting all these people dreamin', thinking you can make 'em great

Step back, nonbelievers, or the great will never come
Someone keep them crosses a-burning, somebody stroke my bum
He said, some may think I'm crazy for making all these claims
But I swear before this year is over you folks are gonna be so great

Hey, Hilly, well, a man's got to have a dream
And if you will come on inside with me, I'll grope you in between
Oh, come with me, Hilly, and the arse will write your name
And if you still think I'm lying to you, look yonder, there comes the great

Step back, nonbelievers, or the great will never come
Someone keep them crosses a-burning, somebody stroke my bum
He said, some may think I'm crazy for making all these claims
But I swear before this year is over you folks are gonna be so great

[Repeat and fade]

Friday, January 02, 2015

Happy 2015!

Happy New Year! Happy 2015!

Monday, December 29, 2014

Diaz: Jews Mustn't Get Uppity

For some who share the protesters' concerns, the insistence on pressing on in spite of the funeral is damaging. 
"I don't think the Jews do themselves a favor by protesting until after Hitler is laid to rest," said Ruben Diaz Jr., the Bronx borough president. 
Mr. Diaz, echoing some other elected leaders, said the Jews were costing themselves support with their disruptive tactics. "They're losing favor with a lot of Germans," he said.

Well, he actually said the following, but the logic, or rather the lack thereof, is the same.

For some who share the protesters' concerns, the insistence on pressing on in spite of the funerals is damaging. 
"I don't think the protesters do themselves a favor by protesting until after these officers are laid to rest," said Ruben Diaz Jr., the Bronx borough president. 
Mr. Diaz, echoing some other elected leaders, said the groups were costing themselves support with their disruptive tactics. "They're losing favor with a lot of New Yorkers," he said.

What sort of an ally is Diaz, anyway? What do you need enemies for if you have allies like him?

It boggles the mind. Why would a group of people that has been victimized suspend protesting the crimes committed against them, just because two of their tormentors have been executed? If Hitler had been executed, should Jews have volunteered to go into the gas chambers as a mark of respect for their tormentor until his funeral was over?

Should blacks, Hispanics, and other victims of police brutality just stand there in silence and let the pigs shoot them? Isn't it bad enough that they cannot defend themselves against the juggernaut of the state? Isn't it bad enough that there is no one they can call against the police if the latter assault them?

Must they now suffer not only being murdered, but being murdered in silence, without even protesting the injustice and outrage done to them? To curry favor with the porcine gang that threatens to murder them?

What is that hellhole? America? A free country?

Or a death star, where Darth Vader can do anything he wants to you and then go, "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further"? Or a medieval ghetto where the Jews can be glad if a few of them escape the pogrom with their bare lives, happy that they were "only" beaten to a pulp, and not tortured to death like the rest?

Is Diaz utterly delusional? Does he think it is requests for favors he hears from the protestors?

Listen to the street, Diaz! It is demands you hear!

Diaz and all other US politicians and government agents should be glad that the protesters are still talking to them. If the First American Revolution was justified on account of the comparatively piddling crimes George III committed against the colonists, wouldn't the protesters be more than justified to start a Second American Revolution? If the agents of the state can murder anyone they wish, without any recourse, what other choice but revolution is left?

America and its immoral pig-loving wing nut plurality should obey the protestors now and restrain their porkers before it is too late. Tremble, wing nuts, for your police cannot suppress the rightless masses forever!

"If you make peaceful revolution impossible, you make violent revolution inevitable."

— John F. Kennedy

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Merry Christmas from Satan Claus

Drunken Bums, or Merry Christmas from Satan Claus, or Christmas in the Ghetto

Ghetto sidewalks, dirty sidewalks dressed in vomit and bile,
In the air there's a feeling like dry rot
Children brawling, people passing, picking fight after fight
And on every street corner you hear — drunken bums
(Drunken bums, drunken bums)
Drunken bums
(Drunken bums)
It's Christmas time in the ghetto
Ring-a-ling
(Ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling)
Hear them sing
Soon it will be judgment day
Broken street lights although cop lights blink a bright red and blue
As the pigs rush by to commit murder
Hear the shots speed, see the kids bleed
This is Satan's big scene
And above all this carnage you hear
Drunken bums
(Drunken bums, drunken bums)
Drunken bums
(Drunken bums)
It's Christmas time in the ghetto
Ring-a-ling
(Ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling)
Hear them sing
Soon it will be judgment day
Drunken bums
(Drunken bums, drunken bums)
Drunken bums
(Drunken bums)
It's Christmas time in the ghetto
Ring-a-ling
(Ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling)
Hear them sing
Soon it will be — judgment day



Sunday, August 31, 2014

Wave in an Ice Bucket

An open letter to all the collectivist morons that participated in the notorious "ALS ice bucket challenge."

Rarely have I encountered on this planet full of morons a horror as revolting as this ice bucket nonsense. First off, the obvious.

Making donations based not on data where a donation might do good, but on stupid pranks and videos predictably leads to a massive misallocation of resources.

Then, this stupid stunt can quite easily kill the very people trying to save lives the armchair activist way. Getting doused with cold water on a hot day can easily give you a heart attack, and at least one person died jumping into a particularly large "bucket."

But far worse than any misallocated money or death from freak accident is the sheer primeval mob spirit in which these pranks are performed.

When do you soaked, shivering rocket surgeons exactly plan to use your brains, to the extent that you have any, and start thinking for yourselves? When someone nominates you for a "light a firecracker in your mouth" challenge? When Al Qaida collects $100 million because they have a cool video? Before you vote for the next fuehrer because he has a cool party trick?

If you cheer mob spirit and irrationality, if "nominating," shaming, guilting, peer pressure, and blind following is the coin of your realm, this is what you are cheering on:


Don't ask who is destroying the world. You are.

If the world goes down your path, you are going to solve the ALS issue ironically, because people will once again be slaughtering each other before they ever get a chance to develop ALS, just like in the Dark Ages, just like in World War II. That is the nature of barbarity.

As ironically, if you would quit wasting time on collectivist blackmail and use it instead for teaching people to think for themselves, people would become more productive, GDP would increase, and more money would be available for all research even without pressuring people to give. That is the nature of progress.

You and your methods are disgusting, no matter how noble you claim the ends you advocate to be. Plus, wet, you look ridiculous. Now go away and be ashamed of yourselves.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Surfin' NSA

(With apologies to the Bitch Boys Beach Boys.)

If everybody was like Snowden
Across the USA
Then everybody'd be surfin'
Phreakin' the CIA
You'd see 'em breakin' out netbooks
Anarchic vandals, too,
With tablets, smart phones, and dumb Nooks
Surfin' NSA

You'd catch 'em surfin' at Langley (inside, outside USA),
Anne Arundel County line (inside, outside USA),
At the ports and bases (inside, outside USA)
Mediterranean (inside, outside USA),
All over Manhattan (inside, outside USA),
And on Doheny Drive (inside, outside USA)

Everybody's gone surfin'
Surfin' NSA

We'll all be crackin' us a router
We're gonna take real soon
We're bringin' down their networks
We can't wait for June
We'll all be gone for the summer
We're on safari to stay
Tell Obama we're surfin'
Surfin' NSA

At Feinstein's and Schumer's (inside, outside USA),
Pacific carriers base (inside, outside USA),
Foggy Bottom and Georgetown (inside, outside USA),
Outside the Pentagon (inside, outside USA),
All over the Beltway (inside, outside USA),
At Waimea Bay (inside, outside USA)

Everybody's gone surfin'
Surfin' NSA

Everybody's gone surfin'
Surfin' NSA

Everybody's gone surfin'
Surfin' NSA

Everybody's gone surfin'
Surfin' NSA

Yeah, everybody's gone surfin'
Surfin' NSA

Yeah, everybody's gone surfin'
Surfin' NSA

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Why Men and Women Never Get Along

She just said, "Do you want to marry me?"

She thinks she said, "Do you want to be the father of my children and live with me happily ever after?"

He heard, "Do you want to give me half your stuff and pay me a pension once I leave you?"

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Scottish Objectivist Explains Benefits of Smoking

In this enlightening video, a Scottish objectivist explains the benefits of smoking: Smoking is where all the great ideas come from.

"My life was terrible without cigarettes. I did nothing with my time. I was like, 'Oh, where am I going? What am I doing?' Now my life is rich and true and good and strong."

It even is good for your lungs:

"It makes your lungs bigger 'cause you're sucking."



Here it is with subtitles:


SCROOGIN ON A GREG by willanderson0

Sunday, July 14, 2013

A Simple Way to Control the Fundies

Here's a simple way to get the fundies and conservatives under control: Everything that is illegal for some group of people automatically becomes illegal for Christians.

Gays can't marry? Fine, Christians can't marry, either.

Teenagers can't have sex? Fine, Christians can't have sex, either.

Weed is illegal? Fine, so is altar wine.

Let's see how long they can stand their own medicine.