Look Cool Driving a Minivan

The only way to look cool driving a minivan consists of two simple steps:

(1) Scrap minivan.

(2) Buy roadster.

Guns Don't Kill People — Arabs Kill People?

In the wake of the Fort Hood shooting, moon bats called for banning all guns. Wing nuts called for banning all Arabs.

Top Ten Ways to Tell Your Kids the Goldfish Died

Unfortunately, the folks who made this here video on how to tell your kid the goldfish died forgot to consult Alex.

But fear not, for here are the real ten best ways to tell your kids the goldfish died:

(10) "You kids love Mr. Bigglesworth, don't you? See, today he's one happy and well-fed cat."

(9) "No, Mr. Bubbles isn't dead. He's just… drunk." (Is the pet store still open?)

(8) "Family, tonight there's fish for dinner!" Or, for our limey friends: "Chips, anyone?"

(7) "Otto West went thataway!"

(6) "Did you kids ever know that if it rains, it's the big fishbowl in heaven overflowing from another 'angelfish'? By the way, that little shower out there is Mr. Bubbles."

(5) "Guess who just won that excellent trip down the water slide in the bathroom?"

(4) "Small fry, I bought you this here elegant plastic fish. And the best thing is, it won't just die like Mr. Bubbles." (In fact, it'll still be around when the sun goes boom.)

(3) "Your mom's just died, so I'm gonna move in with my girlfriend. You kids I'm gonna sell into slavery in Saudi Arabia. And all your toys I'm gonna give to an orphanage. Only kidding, it's just that Mr. Bubbles died and I wanted to put things into perspective a bit."

(2) "Kids, I've got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is Mr. Bubbles' earthly sufferings are over. The bad news is Roman Polanski moved in next door."

And the single best way to tell your kids the goldfish died is:

(1) "Kids, let's be frank, Mr. Bubbles is no more. But don't be sad, before he died I was able to upload his soul into this here tiny computer." (You didn't think you'd ever be able to reuse that Tamagotchi, did you?)

But Will He Ever Show?

Don't buy a house from this man. ;)

Well, I guess you can try, but it will do you no good. :)

I think I know a chick or two that are related to him. :P

Introducing Club Alex

Tonight I launch Club Alex, my secret stash, the ninth circle of hell where I post stuff so enlightened and true that it would be too outrageous and offensive to say in public while the world is barely out of the Dark Ages. Any fundies and fascists that read it will immediately be struck dead by the lightning of an apoplectic fit. The sort of stuff that makes the peasant mob reach for their torches and pitchforks and go try storm the castle of the bloodthirsty, virgin-debauching count.

In addition, there may be sneak previews of scenes that I for obvious reasons don't want to post in public and stuff.

Membership is first come, first served. The first hundred human beings (bots need not apply) who write me an email with "Club Alex" in the subject line are in. If you can't find my email on this site, you fail the admission test.

Blogger restricts private blogs to exactly one hundred readers. Once the big one oh oh is hit, no one else can get in before some closet fundie or closet fascist quits in disgust and/or someone dies.

The Facts in the Case of M. Polanski: Check Your Premises

What does Roman Polanski have in common with Ayn Rand?

Both managed to infuriate both the moon bats and the wing nuts. And good.

Then again, Ayn Rand allegedly said, "All sex is Rape." So maybe Polanski should have fucked Rand instead, though of course that wouldn't have worked for him, as like most men he prefers young women over old ones.

Speaking of Ayn Rand, another gem of a comment on the Polanski case went about like this: If the girl had sex before, she was being abused before just like Polanski abused her.

This is a perfect example of a faith-based versus a reality-based approach.

Any reasonable person would at this point stop to check their premises, as Ayn Rand called it, to process the new evidence provided by reality. If the girl had sex twice before, maybe that is evidence that it's perfectly natural and normal for teenagers to have sex? Most of the time with other teenagers, but sometimes even with older people?

But faith does ordain: Sex is evil. Children are innocent. Teenagers are children. Ergo, teenagers don't have sex. If they do, they're being abused by evil deviants.

If it is shown that most all teenagers are having sex, I guess we'll have to lock up those little perverts and throw away the key. Maybe we'll actually have to release the weed smokers to make room in prisons.

And I'm sure you'll agree that those evil pedophiles that sleep with a girl shortly before her eighteenth birthday magically transforms her from a child into an adult should be locked into their very special maximum security prison. What's a real pedophile against an evil deviant possessing so little self-discipline that he flouts the people's law instead of waiting another week?

The Facts in the Case of M. Polanski: Reification of the Law

Well, Polanski painted himself into a corner real nice. However he tells his story, the peasants ain't gonna like it.

Defending him is a real whack a mole job:

Polanski: She's lying. I didn't rape her. She wasn't unresponsive.

Peasants: Doesn't matter. She was a thirteen-year-old child.

Polanski: But a thirteen-year-old isn't a child; "age of consent" is just a legal fiction. It's not like I slept with a six-year-old or something.

Peasants: Doesn't matter. She testified you raped her.

Yes, Virginia, the peasants are revolting. Once you've refuted one prong of their pitchfork, they fall back on the other.

"A pedophile is a pedophile is a pedophile…" This gem was harvested from the internet.

Well, no. In this and similar cases, a "pedophile" is not a pedophile. A pedophile is a person that is attracted to children that for biological reasons shouldn't be having sex yet. If you look at the evidence in the case, that did not apply to the girl in question.

Look, Edgar Allan Poe married a fucking thirteen-year-old. Now, are you ashamed that one of the world's most celebrated authors was a "pedophile"? What are you gonna do now? Burn his books?

And guess how old Loretta Lynn was when she got married? Right. Thirteen.

What is really revolting here isn't Roman Polanski or "dirty old men." What is really revolting is the mob's approach to the law.

Now, Polanski may have been sailing awfully close to the wind picking up a fuck buddy. While he ought to be presumed innocent, a slap on his wrist, if not right or just, might not be a total outrage.

Yet that's not the consensus of the kangaroo court of public lynch mob opinion. Judging by the articles on the Polanski case and the comments they garner, the general tenor of the mob seems to be that not only Polanski, who slept with a thirteen-year-old, but anybody who sleeps with anybody else under eighteen is a "pedophile."

And, by god, he ought to be raped with a plunger, castrated, and locked up for good. And he ought to be glad he didn't get burned at the stake as he deserves.

Seventeen-year-old "children"? A seventeen-year-old is the same as a six-year-old? Just because the law says so?

I guess we really ought to crack down on those seventeen-year-old pedophiles that fuck sixteen-year-old pedophiles? If we don't murder them for their own good, they might even start smoking weed! We can really learn a lot from Iran, where such perverts are stoned to death.

So for those morons, what constitutes rape or pedophilia is not determined by the facts of reality, but by some arbitrary law, which in the case of California is clearly at variance with the facts. If you fuck a sixteen-year-old in most any civilized country, it's fine. If you fuck a sixteen-year-old in California, you're a "pedophile." Go figure.

I guess the laws of nature and the facts of biology will go out of their way to accommodate California law. Time to write another bull against the comet?

Someone who calls someone who sleeps with a seventeen-year-old woman a "pedophile" just because the arbitrary age of consent picked by the government of his jurisdiction is eighteen would just as well treat a tax evader as a thief because the law calls theft taxation and criminalizes keeping your own money. And worse.

"Sure, Officer Pig, I'll be glad to help you round up the Jews, as the law declares they're cattle."

What a cruel irony that Roman Polanski should have been victimized by that kind of fascist reification of the law twice in a lifetime.

Peasants, will you learn to think for yourselves, or will you help round up the Jews and the "pedophiles" if the law commands you to?

The Facts in the Case of M. Polanski: There, but for the Grace of God, Goes Who?

One of the smears aimed at Roman Polanski's defenders and loyal friends is that they defend him because they think, "There, but for the grace of god, go I," i.e., that they're all closet "pedophiles." Well, there, but for the grace of god, go you, you, and particularly you (yes, you). (You know who you are.)

You pick up a chick, drink is taken, she takes an antihistamine, she's sorry in the morning, it turns out she's a couple days shy of her eighteenth birthday. Bang — congrats, you're in the same situation as Polanski.

You say you don't pick up chicks? You're a good Christian that sleeps only with his wedded wife?

Do you know how many women accuse their husband of raping them or their children once they want to take him to the cleaners? Look at the divorce rate for the probability that your wife's going to take you to the cleaners some day.

Think twice before you blindly believe the testimony of a woman that's sorry in the morning. (Sworn or not. It's not like people never perjure themselves.)

Think twice before you abandon the presumption of innocence for alleged pedophiles because those poor children are so cute and defenseless. Think twice before you call for the lynching of all "rapists" and "pedophiles."

The rape trial, it tolls for thee.

The Facts in the Case of M. Polanski: Age of Consent Is for Wankers

Really, what government moron came up with that age of consent nonsense? Any which way you cut it, it's just plain unjust.

If you set the age of consent too low, children will be abused. If you set it too high, people that are in fact mature enough to have sex will have their lovers wrongfully punished just because of some idiotic legal fiction. No matter what age of consent you pick, it will always be wrong for most people, as every individual develops, well, individually.

In a reasonable country, whether a person is physically, mentally, and emotionally mature enough to have sex would be decided individually on a case by case basis. In fact, to avoid all those after the fact statutory rape trials, people should get examined before they have sex.

Like getting a driver's license. If examining people individually to make sure that they drive safely is worth the cost, then keeping innocent people from getting wrongfully imprisoned just because they fucked someone under an arbitrary age should be more than worth the cost of such a program?

Of course a license in shape of an ID would be awkward, particularly in a time when many people are still ashamed to talk about sex. "Hey, baby, can I see your ID? I wanna fuck you later tonight."

How about a tattoo instead of an ID? I bet teenagers would find that cool, and it saves the trouble of asking awkward questions. And if someone really hates sex, then they simply won't apply to get that tattoo, so they'll never be bothered by being hit on, as it's obvious that they either don't want to or aren't allowed to have sex.

Who said there aren't any meaningful rites of passage in our society? Here's one for you.

And what does that mean for Roman Polanski? Well, it's way too late to examine his alleged victim, but from the examinations that were made and from the testimony that was recorded we know that:

His alleged victim was sexually active before the incident.

She had been having her period before.

She was not physically injured by whatever he did/didn't do to/with her.

So on the count of statutory "rape," "pedophilia," or "child" abuse we'll have to give Polanski the benefit of the doubt, as his alleged victim was physically mature enough to have sex, and it is too late to examine her psyche now.

And as there is no evidence for rape except for the alleged victim's unsupported claims, the upshot of the whole thing is:

Roman Polanski is innocent.

What's in a Word, Feminazi?

Now, I understand that some morons might object to my (or anyone else's) use of the word feminazi. (And you probably don't appreciate being called morons, do you, morons?) So listen good, morons.

Different people use the same word differently. For example, that fundie fascist moron Rush Limbaugh uses the word feminazi to disparage those heroic women who fight for their right to have an abortion. Now, there are many moronic right wing nuts, but Limbaugh takes the cake.

At times he is a source of some primitive but fun humor, though. Like Club Gitmo. It's fun, because in a way he's right — the terrorists there weren't punished nearly severely enough. On the other hand, it's simplistic, because there were and are many innocent people imprisoned there.

And then he spouts all that fundie shit while he himself is addicted to painkillers. So you'd think he'd cut other "sinners" some slack. There's a simple diagnosis for his condition: It's called galactically stupid.

But doesn't Limbaugh keep spouting Ayn Rand quotes?

Well, that's best answered with a scene from A Fish Called Wanda:



Otto: Don't call me stupid.

Wanda: Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.

Wanda: Yes, they do, Otto. They just don't understand it.

Everybody's favorite encyclopedic writers' collective notes:

In an interview, Gloria Steinem characterized Limbaugh's use of the term "feminazi" as ironic since feminists and other political dissenters were among the victims of Nazi concentration camps and Nazi work camps. According to Steinem, "Hitler came to power against the strong feminist movement in Germany, padlocked the family planning clinics, and declared abortion a crime against the state — all views that more closely resemble Rush Limbaugh's. In her book Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions, Steinem elaborates on the repression of feminism under Hitler, noting that many prominent German feminists like Helene Stöcker, Trude Weiss-Rosmarin and Clara Zetkin were forced to flee Nazi Germany while others were killed in concentration camps.

Now, a feminazi is not the same animal as a feminist. A feminist is a person who knows that women have the same rights as men. A feminazi, on the other hand, is the very antithesis of a feminist. A feminazi is a person that hates men and sex, that believes that women should have all rights and men none at all.

Observe (to use one of Ayn Rand's favorite words) that I said person, not woman. There can be, at least in theory, male feminazis, as people are able to hate themselves.

But even if the nazi German nazis persecuted feminazis along with feminists, that doesn't make it illogical to call feminazis feminazis. Like all criminals, like the commies, the nazis had plenty of infighting. Just that someone was persecuted by the nazis is no guarantee that he or she was a not a nazi before or even was a nice person.

Likewise, the nazis rounded up and executed plenty of commies. That does not mean that those commies were less evil criminals with less vile plans than the nazis.

Commies and nazis are merely two competing gangs of thugs. In the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre, Al Capone had some competition executed. That doesn't make the competition nice folks.

Under communism, all property is "owned" by the state. Under fascism, property is nominally owned by the individual, but de facto controlled by the state. The alleged beneficiary of communism is a collective called "the working class" — or to make it sound a little more inclusive, "the people." The alleged beneficiary of fascism is a collective called "the race" — or to make it sound a little more inclusive, "the nation." The true beneficiary of communism is the politburo. The true beneficiary of fascism is the fuehrer and his cronies.

Nazis, commies, mobsters, and feminazis are all evil, because they all have one thing in common: They use force, or make their government use force on their behalf, against innocent people.

Now I suppose I could call feminazis femicommies, 'cause they're a little closer to commies than to nazis in their politics. But though I like coining new words, I don't feel like it in this case. Femicommie just doesn't sound as good.

Besides, as I said, the differences between commies and nazis are slight. If you look at the Nolan Chart, you'll find that the traditional political spectrum with the commies as the diametrical opposite of the fascists is a lot of bullshit. Imagine it more like a clock, if that helps, with libertarians at the top at twelve o'clock, liberals on the left at nine o'clock, conservatives on the right at three o'clock, and at the bottom commies at 6:01 and nazis right next to them at 5:59.

So feminists are not like nazis, but feminazis are. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, feminazis.