Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Thankful Turkey Day

Alex is totally thankful that The Obama and his little friend were elected and not McAlzheimer and the Turkey Crusher Woman.

And then that moron goes on about the government getting out of the way though she and McAlzheimer cheered on the bailout and she looted from oil companies. (Neither the State of Alaska nor the federal government did anything to improve the land. Hence, the land was still unowned when the oil companies came along. The oil companies established ownership of the land by drilling there and shouldn't have to pay tribute to the Alaskan mob and their ice queen.)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Nice People Are like…

Nice people are like carpet: They get walked all over.

You Know Your Play Flopped…

You know your latest play is a flop…

…if the audience goes, "Coup de grace! Coup de grace!" during the climactic dueling scene.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Woman to English Dictionary, Lesson One

Woman: "Surviving a tough spot without help serves you better. As newlyweds, my husband and I were both laid off, and I got pregnant, but we had a plan B, C and D. When you have to get creative about money, you get the best out of yourself."

English: "I made my husband work like a slave so he could buy me the home that I wanted. I accomplished that mostly by withholding sex. Fortunately, he believes women don't want sex as badly as men do, so he didn't call my bluff. Plus, he believes in monoamory, so he couldn't do what any sane human being would do, like, fuck somebody else. Excuse me, I'm gonna seduce the pool boy now."

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Fundie Girl

It was only a question of time until another Zappa song had to bite the dust…

Fundie girl
She's a fundie girl
Fundie girl
She's a fundie girl
Okay, fine…
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a fundie girl
On the coldest shore
Okay, fine…
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a

Like, oh my god! (fundie girl)
Like, totally (fundie girl)
Wasilla is, like, so bitchen (fundie girl)
There's, like, the Mooseria (fundie girl)
And, like, all these, like, really great moose stores
I love going into, like, clothing stores and stuff
I, like, buy the neatest miniskirts and stuff
It's, like, so bitchen cuz, like, everybody's, like
Super, super nice…
It's, like, so bitchen…

At convention, there she goes
She just bought some bitchen clothes
Tosses her head and flips her hair
She got a whole bunch of nothin' in there

McCain, he goes are you into S and M?
I go, oh right…
Could you, like, just picture me in, like, a leather teddy?
Yeah right, hurt me, hurt me…
I'm sure! No way!
He was, like, freaking me out…
He called me a beastie…
That's cuz, like, he was totally blitzed
He goes, like, bag your face!
I'm sure!

Fundie girl
She's a fundie girl
Fundie girl
She's a fundie girl
Okay, fine…
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a fundie girl
So sweet and pure
Okay, fine…
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a

It's really sad (fundie girl)
Like, all those liberals
They're, like... (fundie girl)
They're, like, Mr. Bufu (fundie girl)
We're talking lord god king bufu (fundie girl)
I am so sure
They're, like, so gross
They, like, sit there and, like, play with all their things
And they, like, flirt with all the guys in the class
It's, like, totally disgusting
I'm, like, so sure
It's, like, barf me out…
Gag me with a spoon!

Last idea to cross her mind
Had something to do with how to find
A foolproof way to save her butt
And how to get those books there cut

So, like, I go into this, like, TV place, y'know
And I wanted, like, to get that interview done
And the lady, like, goes, oh my god, your reading
It's, like, so grody
It was, like, really embarrassing
She's, like, oh my god, like bag that bimbo
I'm, like, sure…
She goes, uh, I don't know if I can handle this, y'know…
I was, like, really embarrassed…

Fundie girl
She's a fundie girl
Fundie girl
She's a fundie girl
Okay, fine
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a fundie girl
And there is no cure
Okay, fine
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a fundie girl
And there is no cure

Like, my husband is, like, a total space cadet (fundie girl)
He, like, makes me do the dishes and (fundie girl)
Give him blowjobs (fundie girl)
I am sure
That's, like, gross (fundie girl)
Barf out! (fundie girl)
Oh my god (fundie girl)

Uh-huh… (fundie girl)
My name?
My name is Sarah L. Palin (fundie girl)
That's right, Sarah (fundie girl)
I know
It's, like… (fundie girl)
I do not talk funny…
I'm sure (fundie girl)
What'sa matter with the way I talk? (fundie girl)
I am a prig, I know (fundie girl)
But I live, like, in a nearly good part of Wasilla so it's okay (fundie girl)
Uh-huh… (fundie girl)
So, like, I don't know (fundie girl)
I'm, like, freaking out totally (fundie girl)
Oh my god! (fundie girl)

Hi, I have to go to the obstetrician (fundie girl)
I'm shitting 'nother tard out, y'know (fundie girl)
But I have to feed him eighteen years
That's going to be really, like, a total bummer
I'm freaking out
I'm sure
That's, like, from things that, like, stick in your mouth
They're so gross…
They, like, get DNA all over them
But, like, I don't know, it's going to be cool, y'know
So you can see my smile
It'll be, like, really cool
Except my, like, my brain is, like, too small
But no biggie…
It's so awesome
It's, like, tubular, y'know
Well, I'm not like really ugly or anything
It's just, like
I don't know
You know me, I'm, like, into, like, the clean stuff
Like Pac-Man and, like, I don't know
Like, my husband, like, makes me do the dishes
It's, like, so gross…
Like, all the stuff, like, sticks to the plates
And it's, like, it's like somebody else's food, y'know
It's, like, grody…
Grody to the max
I'm sure
It's, like, really nauseating
Like, barf out
Gag me with a spoon
I am sure

A Mop Is a Mop Is a Mop

Did you notice Sarah Palin's mop of a haircut?

As if her beehive wasn't bad enough.

That leaves only two options:

(A) Palin's hairdresser is a liberal or a libertarian.

(B) Palin's hair is just plain beyond a hairdresser's capacity to save.

Well, she ain't blond anyway, so WTF. I mean to say, what a mutt.

The Sitting Ducks of Fort Hood

Go figure:

When Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan started shooting up the Soldier Readiness Processing Center at Fort Hood, Pfc. Marquest Smith dove under a desk. The Associated Press reports that "he lay low for several minutes, waiting for the shooter to run out of ammunition and wishing he, too, had a gun."

Neither Smith nor the other victims of Hasan's assault had guns because soldiers on military bases within the United States generally are not allowed to carry them.

The other day I thought it would be fun to bet people $10 that they wouldn't storm into a recruiting office with a (painted toy) gun, jump onto a desk, and scream, "Allahu Akbar!"

Thought that would be a pretty surefire way to earn a Darwin Award. Now it looks like you can do it with impunity — at least until the local police arrive.

And I thought the Fort Hood shooting was the exception that probed the rule "if the mere presence of a firearm caused a shooting wouldn't we have large numbers of shootings at gun shows, gun stores, police stations, and military bases instead of at schools?"

Checking your premises reveals that military bases rank with schools, not with gun shows, gun stores, and police stations.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Guns Don't Kill People — Arabs Kill People?

In the wake of the Fort Hood shooting, moon bats called for banning all guns. Wing nuts called for banning all Arabs.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Top Ten Ways to Tell Your Kids the Goldfish Died

Unfortunately, the folks who made this here video on how to tell your kid the goldfish died forgot to consult Alex.

But fear not, for here are the real ten best ways to tell your kids the goldfish died:

(10) "You kids love Mr. Bigglesworth, don't you? See, today he's one happy and well-fed cat."

(9) "No, Mr. Bubbles isn't dead. He's just… drunk." (Is the pet store still open?)

(8) "Family, tonight there's fish for dinner!" Or, for our limey friends: "Chips, anyone?"

(7) "Otto West went thataway!"

(6) "Did you kids ever know that if it rains, it's the big fishbowl in heaven overflowing from another 'angelfish'? By the way, that little shower out there is Mr. Bubbles."

(5) "Guess who just won that excellent trip down the water slide in the bathroom?"

(4) "Small fry, I bought you this here elegant plastic fish. And the best thing is, it won't just die like Mr. Bubbles." (In fact, it'll still be around when the sun goes boom.)

(3) "Your mom's just died, so I'm gonna move in with my girlfriend. You kids I'm gonna sell into slavery in Saudi Arabia. And all your toys I'm gonna give to an orphanage. Only kidding, it's just that Mr. Bubbles died and I wanted to put things into perspective a bit."

(2) "Kids, I've got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is Mr. Bubbles' earthly sufferings are over. The bad news is Roman Polanski moved in next door."

And the single best way to tell your kids the goldfish died is:

(1) "Kids, let's be frank, Mr. Bubbles is no more. But don't be sad, before he died I was able to upload his soul into this here tiny computer." (You didn't think you'd ever be able to reuse that Tamagotchi, did you?)

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

But Will He Ever Show?

Don't buy a house from this man. ;)

Well, I guess you can try, but it will do you no good. :)

I think I know a chick or two that are related to him. :P