Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Alex Saves the World Wide Web

It has been brought to my attention that the English-speaking world wide web is being bogged down by the fact that the www abbreviation takes six to nine syllables to pronounces, twice to thrice the amount it takes to pronounce the original word. As www is an ubiquitous element that needs to be pronounced whenever a URL is given, the English-speaking world wide web and the economies built upon it are at a serious disadvantage competing with economies whose languages pronounce www as only three syllables. Furthermore, the US being the world's foremost economic and cultural power, a collapse of the American internet would precipitate the world back into the Middle Ages, or at least the 1950s, which is the same.

So what is to be done?

In my infinite generosity, I give you "three shrub," which is how www is to be pronounced in English from now on. Now, at only two syllables to the www, English-speaking countries will be able to easily out-compete Continental Europe and Asia.

No, don't thank me all at once.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Ramble, Christian Soldiers

Andre the Giant may have a posse, but Sarah Palin has a new campaign hymen hymn:

1. Ramble, Christian soldiers, murder as in war,
Bomb abortion clinics like we done before.
Faith, the ancient horror, fights against the mind;
Forward into battle, see our jackboots grind!
Ramble, Christian soldiers, murder as in war,
Bomb abortion clinics like we done before.

2. At the sign of Sarah sanity doth flee;
Ramble, Christian soldiers, on to lunacy!
East and West Coast quiver at our web of lies;
Mortify your brain cells, belt your moron cries.

3. Like a zombie army moves the church of god;
Brothers, we are treading where fascists have trod.
We are not gratified, all no body we,
Only desperate doctrine and insanity.

4. Crowns and thrones may perish, kingdoms rise and wane,
But the state's guns do the status quo maintain.
The real world can never 'gainst that church prevail;
We have Sarah's promise, and that cannot fail.

5. Onward then, ye people, join our moron throng,
Blend with ours your voices in our insane song.
Glory, laud, and honor unto god the king,
This through countless ages fools and killers sing.

"When fascism comes to America, it will come wrapped in the Flag and waving a cross."

— Attributed to Sinclair Lewis

Sunday, June 05, 2011

Palin's Non-Sequitour

History professor, would-be candidate for next village idiot, and past her shelf life Miss Potato Sarah Palin discovered startling new facts about original tea partier Paul Revere (AKA OG T).

(No turkeys were harmed in the making of this video.)

As you cannot both be a human being and part of one nation with Palin, her surreal tour de force across America and through history has now been renamed the non-sequitour.

Ramble on, Christian soldier.

Ristorante Ecoli Hamburg Now Open!

First we took Staunton — now we take Hamburg! Ristorante Ecoli Hamburg is now open for business!

Unfortunately, we had to get rid of the sniper rifle on the balcony due to local gun laws. But you can try our fresh bean sprouts at half price! A little complimentary surprise with every dish of bean sprouts!

Or visit us on the web:


Dude, not funny? Well, then take it as a public service announcement.

Don't eat sprouts. Ever.

If you eat sprouts, you're asking for E. coli. (If the feds have to outlaw something, they should outlaw sprouts instead of weed. But I digress.)

Who eats that shit, anyway? I mean, really.

It's esthetically praiseworthy if you don't want to go the way of the beached whale, but steering clear of high-fructose corn syrup should be enough. Don't have to ingest those germ plants.

At least we know now why it's called Germany.