Showing posts with label fun facts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fun facts. Show all posts

Sunday, June 05, 2011

Ristorante Ecoli Hamburg Now Open!

First we took Staunton — now we take Hamburg! Ristorante Ecoli Hamburg is now open for business!

Unfortunately, we had to get rid of the sniper rifle on the balcony due to local gun laws. But you can try our fresh bean sprouts at half price! A little complimentary surprise with every dish of bean sprouts!

Or visit us on the web:

http://www.grandtheftwiki.com/Ristorante_Ecoli

Dude, not funny? Well, then take it as a public service announcement.

Don't eat sprouts. Ever.

If you eat sprouts, you're asking for E. coli. (If the feds have to outlaw something, they should outlaw sprouts instead of weed. But I digress.)

Who eats that shit, anyway? I mean, really.

It's esthetically praiseworthy if you don't want to go the way of the beached whale, but steering clear of high-fructose corn syrup should be enough. Don't have to ingest those germ plants.

At least we know now why it's called Germany.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

God on Railroad Timetable, Camping on His Sword

I mean, even if you believe in god and rapture and stuff, how can you believe that such a jealous, ancient god would schedule his apocalypse according to time zones drawn up by nineteenth-century railroads?

In other words, when we get to May 21 on the calendar in any city or country in the world, and the clock says about — this is based on other verses in the bible — when the clock says about 6 p.m., there's going to be this tremendous earthquake that's going to make the last earthquake in Japan seem like nothing in comparison. And the whole world will be alerted that Judgment Day has begun. And then it will follow the sun around for 24 hours. As each area of the world gets to that point of 6 p.m. on May 21, then it will happen there, and until it happens, the rest of the world will be standing far off and witnessing the horrible thing that is happening.

As I'm writing this, the rapture after party is winding down, and the birds are singing outside. Yet life is not good for the fundies Harold Camping defrauded.

"My mentality was, why are we going to work for more money? It just seemed kind of greedy to me. And unnecessary," she says.

And so, her husband adds, "God just made it possible — he opened doors. He allowed us to quit our jobs, and we just moved, and here we are."

Now they are in Orlando, in a rented house, passing out tracts and reading the bible. Their daughter is 2 years old, and their second child is due in June. Joel says they're spending the last of their savings. They don't see a need for one more dollar.

"You know, you think about retirement and stuff like that," he says. "What's the point of having some money just sitting there?"

"We budgeted everything so that, on May 21, we won't have anything left," Adrienne adds.

Nothing, except for the fervent hope that all of them will be raptured.

The Haddad children of Middletown, Md., have a lot on their minds: school projects, SATs, weekend parties. And parents who believe the earth will begin to self-destruct on Saturday.

The three teenagers have been struggling to make sense of their shifting world, which started changing nearly two years ago when their mother, Abby Haddad Carson, left her job as a nurse to "sound the trumpet" on mission trips with her husband, Robert, handing out tracts. They stopped working on their house and saving for college.

Last weekend, the family traveled to New York, the parents dragging their reluctant children through a Manhattan street fair in a final effort to spread the word.

"My mom has told me directly that I'm not going to get into heaven," Grace Haddad, 16, said. "At first it was really upsetting, but it's what she honestly believes."

Thousands of people around the country have spent the last few days taking to the streets and saying final goodbyes before Saturday, judgment day, when they expect to be absorbed into heaven in a process known as the rapture. Nonbelievers, they hold, will be left behind to perish along with the world over the next five months.

Well, it's the fundies that will perish now, starve to death, as they deserve, one might say. Or one might blame Camping for fueling their delusions.

While Ms. Haddad Carson has quit her job, her husband still works as an engineer for the federal Energy Department. But the children worry that there may not be enough money for college. They also have typical teenage angst — embarrassing parents — only amplified.

"People look at my family and think I'm like that," said Joseph, their 14-year-old, as his parents walked through the street fair on Ninth Avenue, giving out Bibles. "I keep my friends as far away from them as possible."

"I don't really have any motivation to try to figure out what I want to do anymore," he said, "because my main support line, my parents, don't care."

His mother said she accepted that believers "lose friends and you lose family members in the process."

"For those who were invested in this prediction, their world did end Saturday," said Rev. Jeremy Nickel, the minister at Fremont's Mission Peak Unitarian Universalist Congregation. "They thought they were going to heaven, and they didn't. They may have donated all their money. They're going to be in a world of hurt."

Billboards guaranteeing the end of the world Saturday were almost as ubiquitous as Starbucks outlets in the Bay Area and the world and just as galvanizing to followers, who donated more than $100 million over the past seven years and drove RVs all over the United States to alert people of the coming rapture. Oakland-based Family Radio, with 66 radio stations across the globe, was uncharacteristically quiet Saturday, its website down.



"Here's the takeaway," said Richard Hodill of San Mateo, who staffed the registration table at the atheist convention. "Learn to be a discriminating and critical thinker. Base your life on evidence-based reasoning. Religion exploits people to their detriment."

Others had risked a lot more on Camping's prediction, quitting jobs, abandoning relationships, volunteering months of their time to spread the word. Matt Tuter, the longtime producer of Camping's radio and television call-in show, said Saturday that he expected there to be "a lot of angry people" as reality proved Camping wrong.

Tuter said Family Radio's AM station in Sacramento had been "severely vandalized" Friday night or Saturday morning, with air conditioning units yanked out and $25,000 worth of copper stripped from the equipment. He thinks it must have been an angry listener. He was off Saturday but planned to drive past the headquarters "and make sure nothing's burning."

The retired MTA engineer poured his life savings — $140,000 — into an NYC Transit ad campaign. The signs reads: "Global Earthquake: The Greatest Ever! Judgment Day May 21, 2011" and is now plastered on bus kiosks and subway cars all over the city.

Because of those delusions, people quit jobs, wasted their last money, and what is worst, ruined their kids' social lives. It has been asked, "What should Camping do now?" In my opinion, he should do like Varus did and fall on his own sword. Suicide is the best option for him. Well, he's 89 years old and ugly like 110, so he'll probably be dead soon, anyway.

Why is it actually that the government can regulate interior designers, but not false prophets? The Second Amendment has been regulated well nigh out of existence, so the First Amendment could bear some regulating, too. After all, human sacrifice and (falsely) shouting "Fire!" in a crowded theater is already banned, in spite of free religion and free speech.

There's all kinds of regulations of Wall Street, presumably to protect investors, but fundies may prey on the gullible at will. And why is it that gambling is banned or regulated, because people cannot make their own decisions about betting all their money on 13 black, but they may spend their life savings on fundie nonsense? Gambling would give them better odds.

At the very least, Camping should be forced to give all his money to indemnifying his credulous, faithful (a tautology, of course) victims. Then again, it's hard to commiserate if (fundie) scum is exploited by worse (fundie) scum. I'm just sorry for the kids.

So beware of false prophets. Hint: They all are.

If those people had donated their money to science instead of religion, maybe a cure for aging would have been found, eliminating people's need for the crutch of religion.

PS: Being left behind rocks!

PPS: Did you know that Camping was originally from England and was born Harold Tenting-Ground?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Rapture 2.0

Hey, fundies, don't you know that the rapture already happened? You just weren't in on the fun.

If you weren't raptured on September 6, 1994, that means god hates you. You will die and be eaten by worms instead of playing the eternal harp in heaven. Because god hates fundies.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Competition for Facebook

Did you notice all those niche social networking sites cropping up all over the place?

Basebook for ballgame enthusiasts.
Bracebook for dentists.
Casebook for serial killers.
Chasebook for GTA players.
Dazebook for dreamboats.
Faithbook for fundies.
Glacebook for cooks.
Grazebook for cows.
Hazebook for bullies.
Lacebook for steam punks.
Lazebook for Dudeists.
Macebook for feminists.
Pacebook for runners.
Phasebook for trekkies.
Racebook for white supremacists.
Tasebook for pigs.
Tracebook for hunters.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Trump Pattern Baldness

Trump pattern baldness (also known as reverse mullet or alopecia grandiosa) is a rare cause of hair loss in male humans. It also occurs in chimpanzees and orangutans. In classic Trump pattern baldness, hair is lost in the front, while the hair in the back grows forward to cover the bald patches.

Often, the final result resembles a dead fox plastered to the forehead or a dead cat nailed on top of the crown of the head. This is dubbed "developer's balding." Rarely, the condition may progress to complete delusion.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Alex = Cool History / Lit Geek

(HT to Kent McManigal.)

My nerd test result:


NerdTests.com says I'm a Cool History / Lit Geek.  Click here to take the Nerd Test, get nerdy images and jokes, and write on the nerd forum!


From this time forward, you'll hold the title:

Cool History / Lit Geek

Carry it proudly!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Oh, That's How Obama Does It



In case you're wondering, the movie is The Ghost Breakers and yes, Bob Hope really said it. It's not dubbed or anything.

BTW, there used to be another line, "America has got Bob Hope, Stevie Wonder, and Johnny Cash; [insert socialist slave state as applicable] has got no hope, no wonder, no cash.

With the ballooning deficit and two of them dead (and the same year, too) I'm beginning to wonder…

God forbid that anything happens to Stevie Wonder.

Because even with Hopenchange in the White House (or more precisely, particularly with Hopenchange in the White House), America needs some sort of a wonder to get hope and cash back.

Monday, October 11, 2010

My Carbon Output Is Zero

"There are several allotropes of carbon of which the best known are graphite, diamond, and amorphous carbon."

I produce neither graphite, nor diamonds, nor coal, so by definition my carbon output is zero.

In fact, for the power I use, carbon in the form of coal is burned into products like carbon dioxide, so my carbon output is actually negative.

Hey, All Gore, wanna buy some carbon offsets from me?

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Reason and Liberty Central among Top Thirty Objectivist Blogs

Looks like Reason and Liberty Central made it on this list of the "30 Best Blogs for Exploring Objectivism."

It's an article on a site apparently marketing online degrees, but their articles are quite interesting, so check it out if you want.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Boris Johnson, What Have You Done?

Some public-spirited oiks were about to off that hippie bitch, Franny Armstrong, but hizzoner had to play the knight on a shiny bicycle.

We learn a very ecological lesson: Everything in nature has its purpose. Oiks kill hippies, so that hippies cannot blow up humans.

If man interferes with this fragile balance of nature, it is man who suffers in the end. If oiks are hunted, they cannot kill hippies, and hippies will murder humans.

The circle of life…

(Dude, not funny? Franny, you asked for it.)

Monday, September 20, 2010

Presidential Clothes Quiz

Which President wore the most unfun clothes?

Washington: He never LOLd a tie.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Writer's Groupie, Eight Letters

Date: [Today]
Subject: [Job]
From: [Client]
To: [Alex]

Please translate the attached resource file to [languages].

Wordcunt - 298

Thanks,

[Client]

(Currently sarging for wordcunt #299.)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Meet Gaylord Rat Zinger

Come to think of it, why is the catholic church so homophobic? It's after all the gayest of all churches.

Nuns have to be celibate because they are married to Jesus. Monks and priests have to be celibate, too, presumably for the same reason. Thus, monks and priests are married to Jesus.

QED.

Hypocrites.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Top Ten Things Chicks Always Wanted to Know about Men

But Were Afraid to Ask

(10) Women wonder: Do men like it if we wear heels?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but mostly because it's funny to see you falling down the stairs. Besides, once you're pushing forty, the bones in your feet will be so worn out you can't catch us when we date younger chicks.

(9) Women wonder: Do men like it if we wear hose?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but those who do like it likely like to wrap your whole body in plastic. So the next time you date a nylon fetishist, be sure he leaves a hole for you to breathe through when he Saran-Wraps your head.

(8) Women wonder: Do men like it if we bare our bellies?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but mostly because we like to crack jokes behind your backs how much you look like shorn poodles. On a more serious note, it's a good way to make sure you're not wearing waist cinchers.

(7) Women wonder: Do men like it if we wear push-up bras?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but mostly because we love to make fun of you once you have to take them off. Conversely, it's not at all funny if you make fun of us once you find out we weren't glad to see you, but are carrying in Thunderwear.

(6) Women wonder: Do men love hooters?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but mostly because it's good to have something to hold on to so you can't run before we fuck you. Plus, for American males, hooters are forbidden fruit. If a bared ear on TV were to outrage the moral majority as much as a bared nipple, we'd love ears just as much.

(5) Women wonder: Do men like it if we wear makeup?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but only if it keeps us from getting grossed out when we meet an ug on the street. If you don't look presentable without a paintjob, we won't date you anyway. Some of us will lay you anyway, if you bring a bag (or two).

(4) Women wonder: Do men like a home run on the first date?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but we wouldn't have to hurry it so much if you weren't all the time trying to force us into a relationship, or worse, a marriage.

(3) Women wonder: Do men like cuddling?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but in practice we're afraid to stick around lest we end up in a committed relationship, which is, frankly, only for those who ought to be committed.

(2) Women wonder: Do men like it if we're intelligent, or do they care about looks only?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but… What did you say?

(1) Women wonder: Do blondes have more fun?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes, but in practice that's definitely an absolute.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

The Ayn Rand Code

A guide to Howard Roark's Manhattan as built in steel and dreams.

Read The Fountainhead, been to New York, bought the centennial edition? But did you ever wonder which real buildings may have inspired the steel and concrete stars of The Fountainhead?

As for that hideous Frink National Bank Building, I know of no building in New York City "on the top of which, twenty-five floors above the pavements, there burned in a miniature replica of the Hadrian Mausoleum a wind-blown torch made of glass and the best General Electric bulbs." (Lucky me.)

Yet, there is a bank building topped by a copy of what put the "Mausol" in mausoleum, the original Mausoleum of Mausolus at Halicarnassus, twenty-nine floors above the pavements. Like the Frink National Bank Building, which was apparently among the tallest buildings Downtown, the Bankers Trust Building at 14 Wall Street was among the three tallest buildings in the city when it opened in 1912. What's more, it's as eclectically Greek as the Frink National Bank Building is Roman:

"Sources for the design included the Ionic order on the Erechtheum at the Acropolis, ancient Macedonian prototypes, and reconstruction drawings of the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus, the model for the stepped-pyramid temple which crowns the building, giving it its distinctive profile against the skyline." (Opens PDF)

That would make 14 Wall Street's architects, Trowbridge & Livingston, Francon & Heyer, right? Well, Samuel Beck Parkman Trowbridge studied at Trinity College in Hartford, Connecticut. The Stanton Institute of Technology? Like Guy Francon, he later studied at the Ecole des Beaux-Arts in Paris.

Finally, while the tip of 14 Wall Street functions as nothing but a lowly smokestack, Trowbridge & Livingston's Gulf Tower in Pittsburgh, another replica of the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus (like one copy wasn't bad enough), is topped by a locally famous beacon.

Another candidate is 26 Broadway, the old Standard Oil Building. Of course it's not a bank building, but like 14 Wall Street it is topped by a pyramid modeled on the Mausoleum of Mausolus. Plus: "At the time of construction, the pyramid was the tallest tower at the tip of Manhattan and was illuminated as a beacon for ships entering the harbor."

A little more than "[t]hree blocks east of the Frink National Bank" — in fact, more like thirty blocks north of 14 Wall Street — stands the real-life Dana Building, its lines "hard and simple, revealing, emphasizing the harmony of the steel skeleton within." It is more than just some stories lower, though. The thirteen-story Bayard-Condict Building at 65 Bleecker Street is the only building in New York by Louis Sullivan, the inspiration for Henry Cameron. Its "curtain wall of terra cotta that expresses the inner steel skeleton was a radical departure from the heavy masonry of building in this period. … With this building, Sullivan revolutionized the way architects think about tall buildings." In her Ayn Rand biography, Anne Heller concurs and adds that Rand likely named the building in honor of Frank Lloyd Wright's Dana House in Springfield, Illinois (pp. 118).

Just a few blocks away, by the way, is Stanton Street. Coincidence?

The Cosmo-Slotnick Building on Broadway, "a skyscraper to house a motion-picture theater and forty floors of offices," no doubt was Ayn Rand's take on the 1927 Paramount Building on Times Square, a 3,600-seat theater fronted by a thirty-three-floor office building in shape of a giant desk clock. Heller concurs and adds that it too was the result of a public competition (p. 119).

According to her, Roark's low-slung Stoddard Temple is based on Wright's Unity Temple in Oak Park, Illinois (p. 115).

For a glimpse of a very rudimentary Enright House, you can look at the 1930 Howe & Lescaze design for the Museum of Modern Art. While its individual gallery blocks attached to a service core may have given Ayn Rand the idea of "each a single house held to the other houses like a single crystal to the side of a rock," sans Roark they still look a lot like a "pile of cages." Recently, Santiago Calatrava infused the design with some Roark quality when he adapted it into an apartment tower much like the Enright House. Sadly, this Enright House at 80 South Street remains unbuilt. Another possible inspiration is Wright's equally unbuilt St. Mark's-in-the-Bouwerie Towers (model, rendering).

The Cord Building would appear to be the Chrysler Building. Both share the name of an automobile manufacturer. While in The Fountainhead, Anthony Cord has nothing to do with the Cord Corporation, it is significant that, not unlike Roark, E.L. "Cord had a philosophy to build truly different, innovative cars, believing they would also sell well and turn a profit."

Of course, the Cord Building is more than twenty stories shorter than the Chrysler Building, but Ayn Rand couldn't have Roark build the world's tallest building at that early point in his career. Nevertheless, that "tower of copper and glass" "in the center of Manhattan" sure reflects the tower with the elegant top of stainless steel and glass at Grand Central.

As for "the Aquitania Hotel on Central Park South," that's anyone's guess. If there is a real-life inspiration, and if that inspiration is on Central Park South, it's probably 240 Central Park South, completed in 1941. It's more modern than the other major prewar buildings on that street, like the Essex House or the Hampshire House, and the one that comes closest to a "study of angles and terraces."

The year Ayn Rand came to America, 1926, there was a proposal all over the news for a real Wynand Building in Hell's Kitchen. The Larkin Tower was to rise west of Eighth Avenue, between Forty-first and Forty-second Streets, where the old McGraw-Hill Building was eventually built in 1931. At 108 stories and 1,208 feet, the Larkin Tower would have been the world's tallest building, nearly as tall as the Empire State Building half a decade later.

Yet, the proposed design for the Larkin Tower decidedly lacked Roark quality. The top floors would have had room for little more than an elevator. Unless they were meant to be mere token floors for a height record, like those in the Empire State Building's dirigible mooring mast, the building badly needed to be redesigned. Maybe they should have let Roark give it a try.

Anyways, Happy Ayn Rand Day!

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Tiger Woods Shouldn't Prostitute Himself

Much fundie hay has been made of the fact that Tiger Woods may lose a couple million dollars' worth of sponsors on account of his pick up artistry. Say he loses $10,000,000 from corporate sponsors that want to hawk their shit to fundies and thus sponsor only boring people.

At least, unlike the fundies who mortify their desires just to please their god and neighbors, he isn't a prostitute. I guess fundies only think of the first definition if they think about prostitutes (if you can call it thinking what they do):

prostitute
n.
1. One who solicits and accepts payment for sex acts.
2. One who sells one's abilities, talent, or name for an unworthy purpose.
tr.v. prostituted, prostituting, prostitutes
1. To offer (oneself or another) for sexual hire.
2. To sell (oneself or one's talent, for example) for an unworthy purpose.

The funny thing is, Woods prostitutes himself if he refuses to have sex with those women, to please his sponsors. If Woods values picking up a lot of chicks more highly than $10,000,000, and he rather takes the money than the value he really wants, he prostitutes himself.

Go, Tiger!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Nice People Are like…

Nice people are like carpet: They get walked all over.

You Know Your Play Flopped…

You know your latest play is a flop…

…if the audience goes, "Coup de grace! Coup de grace!" during the climactic dueling scene.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Fundies, Meet the Big Gay Foreign Minister!

Traditionally, the head of the smaller party in a German coalition government gets appointed foreign minister. That happens to be Guido Westerwelle, who happens to be gay.

If he has to travel to Iran, that's gonna be big fun. Either the Iranian fundies tolerate a homosexual debauching their holy land instead of murdering him like all their own gayety, or they do murder him. Then it'll be interesting to see if those kraut cowards go to war with Iran over a dead gay politician.

What would be the politically correct thing? What will win out, pacifism or gay rights? (One hopes, gay rights.)