Sunday, May 31, 2009

Sayonara, Saturn and Hummer

What's the deal with Saturn and Hummer? Ladies and gentlemen, we have some serious overcapacity in the auto industry. I won't even mention basket cases like Saab and Opel (you know, the brand of motorized shopping carts).

Ah, Saturn… The wisdom of, instead of investing in better Chevys, adding another Chevy… Like Chevrolet didn't already have enough in-house competition.

And Hummer… Did you ever look at those cars? They're bodaciously ugly. And I happen to like SUVs in some perverse sort of way.

Hell, they're not even cars… They're — poor men's tanks. And did I mention they're bodaciously ugly?

You can do it, GM. You killed Oldsmobile. You killed Pontiac. Go get 'em, tiger!

(No, that was Exxon. But you get the idea.)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Alex vs. Basement Door

Alex decides to finally fix the basement door. Hilarity ensues.

9:05 Impressive array of power tools deployed.

9:35 New threshold in place.

9:40 Wondering why I didn't fix that fucking door sooner.

9:45 Remembering why I didn't. With new threshold in place, door won't shut.

Alex vs. North Korea

North Korea got nukes. Hilarity does not ensue.

So North Korea got nukes.

Well, how many can they possibly have? Two, three?

So they got three strikes and then we bomb them back to the Stone Age. No problem.

Remembering they already are back in the Stone Age. Uh oh.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Going Down

Basement One: Bargain basement. Office towers.

Basement Two: Corpses of foreign investors that jumped off the roof. (Craters in the portion that extends under the sidewalk.)

Again, I'm not a guy to go, "I told you so," but I told you so.

"Have I Got an Office Tower for You."

"Skyscrapers across the U.S. are being sold at fire-sale prices."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Difference between Masons and Freemasons

What's the difference between a regular mason and a freemason?

A freemason takes extra care to not immure himself.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Sniveling, Snotting Little Boo Hoos

An open letter to all children past and present.

"Focus on Kids Is Best Way to Stop Swine Flu Bugs."

"Encouraging children to simply wash hands is best defense, researcher says."

If you are or at any time were a child, wash your hands regularly and stop spreading the swine flu.

You don't want to be considered a dirty, stinking, sniveling, snotting, vile, puking, crying little baby, do you? An awful, horrible, disgusting little boo hoo?

Remember, if you don't wash your hands, mommy doesn't love you. Nor does Alex.


Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Progress of Civilization

In the old days, rulers had the ius primae noctis.

Nowadays, representatives tax their peons, vote themselves a generous share of the loot, and buy hookers.

That's the progress of civilization.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Difference between Palin and Hitler

What's the difference between Palin and Hitler?


Now, every time that one hits the airwaves, the wing nuts howl as sanctimoniously as only fundies can. Yet it is true. Why?

One dictionary definition of fascism is: "A system of government marked by centralization of authority under a dictator, stringent socioeconomic controls, suppression of the opposition through terror and censorship, and typically a policy of belligerent nationalism and racism."

Pretty close, huh? But it gets better. In a nutshell, fascism means sacrificing the individual to the state, just as communism means sacrificing the individual to the international "working" class.

Palin campaigned under the motto: "country first."

It gets still better, or rather, worse. From the nag's mouth:

"To sacrifice for a cause greater than yourself, and to sacrifice your life to the eminence of that cause, is the noblest activity of all."


BTW, hard to believe anybody would still dare drivel like that in this day and age. It's Ellsworth Toohey live.

McAlzheimer and Palin even had the gall to file that under "human dignity." I.e., your dignity consists of having no dignity. Where's your dignity if you can be sacrificed at McAlzheimer's and the moron's whim?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Hair of the Dog That Bit You?

So these people died trying to defend themselves against some religious fanatics that were hellbent on murdering some thousand innocent people to spread their faith. So what's the best idea the idiots that be can come up with to honor the heroes?

Doing the same thing the murderers did, of course: Initiating the use of force against innocent people.

"Government to Condemn Land for Flight 93 Memorial"

The park service defended its plans. "We had a group of people who took some very heroic actions. It's just fitting and right that we get this done in time for the 10th anniversary," said spokesman Phil Sheridan.

Real great idea, Einstein. Honor dead people (who are beyond being honored or disparaged anyway, as they are, well, dead) by forcing living people off their land.

How about protecting the lives of living people instead of obsessing over the dead? How about not acting like terrorists? But of course, if you didn't rule through terror, you wouldn't be a government.

And the fascists wonder why people hate the government. Go figure.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Saludos, Amigos!

An open letter to all Mexicans, non-Mexicans, and part-time Mexicans.

As if the prospect of imminent and painful death were not enough, there's something above and beyond that I just re-realized: (Is that a word? You know, if you know something, forget about it, and suddenly, a blinding flash of the obvious… Like when I was in a dark room, trying to pull down the shades for a full thirty seconds before re-realizing that I had replaced the shades with curtains months before. But I digress.)

The fact I re-realized is: Tequila comes from Mexico. If Mexico is wiped out by the swine flu, I'll have to go back to bourbon. Please take whatever precautions are necessary to prevent this terrible disaster.

I need you to produce tequila and other necessities for me. And you need me to buy said necessities from you.

And then there's another point. You see, in my line of business, fortunately, I can deliver my product by email, if need be. That entails a different virus threat, but we won't go there now.

But you guys are in the business of growing and manufacturing tangible products. So please, please don't sneeze into the tequila.

God, I'm giving you ideas. That may have more of an effect than Alcoholics Anonymous could ever hope to…

Anyway, have a great Cinco de Mayo — at home. Viva la Mexico!

Your friend in spirit,