Tonight I launch Club Alex, my secret stash, the ninth circle of hell where I post stuff so enlightened and true that it would be too outrageous and offensive to say in public while the world is barely out of the Dark Ages. Any fundies and fascists that read it will immediately be struck dead by the lightning of an apoplectic fit. The sort of stuff that makes the peasant mob reach for their torches and pitchforks and go try storm the castle of the bloodthirsty, virgin-debauching count.
In addition, there may be sneak previews of scenes that I for obvious reasons don't want to post in public and stuff.
Membership is first come, first served. The first hundred human beings (bots need not apply) who write me an email with "Club Alex" in the subject line are in. If you can't find my email on this site, you fail the admission test.
Blogger restricts private blogs to exactly one hundred readers. Once the big one oh oh is hit, no one else can get in before some closet fundie or closet fascist quits in disgust and/or someone dies.
Showing posts with label Gospel of Alex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gospel of Alex. Show all posts
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Should I Found The Church of Alexology?
That "become a witch doctor and get another vote" business made me think… When the fundies finally implement that, I should be prepared and have twenty years as a cult church leader under my belt.
So I thought of founding The Church of AlexologySM. Here's the deal: I get ten percent of your income.
In turn, you get one billion hours of free internet access after your death (yes, I lifted that from Dilbert) or The Secret of Eternal LifeSM when I find it (whichever happens first). And ladies, ifI think you look good you have the fingerprint of Hank on your face, you get to come in into holy communion with your witch doctor guru pastor (talk about spiritual experiences).
Plus, you can buy an Alex figurine for a mere $99.99 (+ tax) to exorcise all evil spirits from your home with The Awesome Power of CuteSM. (Who said I'm not that cute? Seize the heretic!)
You say you don't want to hole up at home all your life? Lucky thou, thou art saved!
Just buy a lock of my hair for a mere $999.99 (+ tax) (hey, I can get a near infinite number of figurines, but I can only grow so much hair) to wear in a locket around your neck to protect you wherever you go with The Awesome Power of Great HairSM. (Now, that you can't deny. Look at the pic on the right and worship me.)
Of course, you'll also have to be conversant in Scripture. See the first three Books of AlexTM on the right.
I think I'm on to something here. Mwahahaha!
So I thought of founding The Church of AlexologySM. Here's the deal: I get ten percent of your income.
In turn, you get one billion hours of free internet access after your death (yes, I lifted that from Dilbert) or The Secret of Eternal LifeSM when I find it (whichever happens first). And ladies, if
Plus, you can buy an Alex figurine for a mere $99.99 (+ tax) to exorcise all evil spirits from your home with The Awesome Power of CuteSM. (Who said I'm not that cute? Seize the heretic!)
You say you don't want to hole up at home all your life? Lucky thou, thou art saved!
Just buy a lock of my hair for a mere $999.99 (+ tax) (hey, I can get a near infinite number of figurines, but I can only grow so much hair) to wear in a locket around your neck to protect you wherever you go with The Awesome Power of Great HairSM. (Now, that you can't deny. Look at the pic on the right and worship me.)
Of course, you'll also have to be conversant in Scripture. See the first three Books of AlexTM on the right.
I think I'm on to something here. Mwahahaha!
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