Thursday, October 29, 2009

Introducing Club Alex

Tonight I launch Club Alex, my secret stash, the ninth circle of hell where I post stuff so enlightened and true that it would be too outrageous and offensive to say in public while the world is barely out of the Dark Ages. Any fundies and fascists that read it will immediately be struck dead by the lightning of an apoplectic fit. The sort of stuff that makes the peasant mob reach for their torches and pitchforks and go try storm the castle of the bloodthirsty, virgin-debauching count.

In addition, there may be sneak previews of scenes that I for obvious reasons don't want to post in public and stuff.

Membership is first come, first served. The first hundred human beings (bots need not apply) who write me an email with "Club Alex" in the subject line are in. If you can't find my email on this site, you fail the admission test.

Blogger restricts private blogs to exactly one hundred readers. Once the big one oh oh is hit, no one else can get in before some closet fundie or closet fascist quits in disgust and/or someone dies.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Facts in the Case of M. Polanski: Check Your Premises

What does Roman Polanski have in common with Ayn Rand?

Both managed to infuriate both the moon bats and the wing nuts. And good.

Then again, Ayn Rand allegedly said, "All sex is Rape." So maybe Polanski should have fucked Rand instead, though of course that wouldn't have worked for him, as like most men he prefers young women over old ones.

Speaking of Ayn Rand, another gem of a comment on the Polanski case went about like this: If the girl had sex before, she was being abused before just like Polanski abused her.

This is a perfect example of a faith-based versus a reality-based approach.

Any reasonable person would at this point stop to check their premises, as Ayn Rand called it, to process the new evidence provided by reality. If the girl had sex twice before, maybe that is evidence that it's perfectly natural and normal for teenagers to have sex? Most of the time with other teenagers, but sometimes even with older people?

But faith does ordain: Sex is evil. Children are innocent. Teenagers are children. Ergo, teenagers don't have sex. If they do, they're being abused by evil deviants.

If it is shown that most all teenagers are having sex, I guess we'll have to lock up those little perverts and throw away the key. Maybe we'll actually have to release the weed smokers to make room in prisons.

And I'm sure you'll agree that those evil pedophiles that sleep with a girl shortly before her eighteenth birthday magically transforms her from a child into an adult should be locked into their very special maximum security prison. What's a real pedophile against an evil deviant possessing so little self-discipline that he flouts the people's law instead of waiting another week?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Facts in the Case of M. Polanski: Reification of the Law

Well, Polanski painted himself into a corner real nice. However he tells his story, the peasants ain't gonna like it.

Defending him is a real whack a mole job:

Polanski: She's lying. I didn't rape her. She wasn't unresponsive.

Peasants: Doesn't matter. She was a thirteen-year-old child.

Polanski: But a thirteen-year-old isn't a child; "age of consent" is just a legal fiction. It's not like I slept with a six-year-old or something.

Peasants: Doesn't matter. She testified you raped her.

Yes, Virginia, the peasants are revolting. Once you've refuted one prong of their pitchfork, they fall back on the other.

"A pedophile is a pedophile is a pedophile…" This gem was harvested from the internet.

Well, no. In this and similar cases, a "pedophile" is not a pedophile. A pedophile is a person that is attracted to children that for biological reasons shouldn't be having sex yet. If you look at the evidence in the case, that did not apply to the girl in question.

Look, Edgar Allan Poe married a fucking thirteen-year-old. Now, are you ashamed that one of the world's most celebrated authors was a "pedophile"? What are you gonna do now? Burn his books?

And guess how old Loretta Lynn was when she got married? Right. Thirteen.

What is really revolting here isn't Roman Polanski or "dirty old men." What is really revolting is the mob's approach to the law.

Now, Polanski may have been sailing awfully close to the wind picking up a fuck buddy. While he ought to be presumed innocent, a slap on his wrist, if not right or just, might not be a total outrage.

Yet that's not the consensus of the kangaroo court of public lynch mob opinion. Judging by the articles on the Polanski case and the comments they garner, the general tenor of the mob seems to be that not only Polanski, who slept with a thirteen-year-old, but anybody who sleeps with anybody else under eighteen is a "pedophile."

And, by god, he ought to be raped with a plunger, castrated, and locked up for good. And he ought to be glad he didn't get burned at the stake as he deserves.

Seventeen-year-old "children"? A seventeen-year-old is the same as a six-year-old? Just because the law says so?

I guess we really ought to crack down on those seventeen-year-old pedophiles that fuck sixteen-year-old pedophiles? If we don't murder them for their own good, they might even start smoking weed! We can really learn a lot from Iran, where such perverts are stoned to death.

So for those morons, what constitutes rape or pedophilia is not determined by the facts of reality, but by some arbitrary law, which in the case of California is clearly at variance with the facts. If you fuck a sixteen-year-old in most any civilized country, it's fine. If you fuck a sixteen-year-old in California, you're a "pedophile." Go figure.

I guess the laws of nature and the facts of biology will go out of their way to accommodate California law. Time to write another bull against the comet?

Someone who calls someone who sleeps with a seventeen-year-old woman a "pedophile" just because the arbitrary age of consent picked by the government of his jurisdiction is eighteen would just as well treat a tax evader as a thief because the law calls theft taxation and criminalizes keeping your own money. And worse.

"Sure, Officer Pig, I'll be glad to help you round up the Jews, as the law declares they're cattle."

What a cruel irony that Roman Polanski should have been victimized by that kind of fascist reification of the law twice in a lifetime.

Peasants, will you learn to think for yourselves, or will you help round up the Jews and the "pedophiles" if the law commands you to?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Facts in the Case of M. Polanski: There, but for the Grace of God, Goes Who?

One of the smears aimed at Roman Polanski's defenders and loyal friends is that they defend him because they think, "There, but for the grace of god, go I," i.e., that they're all closet "pedophiles." Well, there, but for the grace of god, go you, you, and particularly you (yes, you). (You know who you are.)

You pick up a chick, drink is taken, she takes an antihistamine, she's sorry in the morning, it turns out she's a couple days shy of her eighteenth birthday. Bang — congrats, you're in the same situation as Polanski.

You say you don't pick up chicks? You're a good Christian that sleeps only with his wedded wife?

Do you know how many women accuse their husband of raping them or their children once they want to take him to the cleaners? Look at the divorce rate for the probability that your wife's going to take you to the cleaners some day.

Think twice before you blindly believe the testimony of a woman that's sorry in the morning. (Sworn or not. It's not like people never perjure themselves.)

Think twice before you abandon the presumption of innocence for alleged pedophiles because those poor children are so cute and defenseless. Think twice before you call for the lynching of all "rapists" and "pedophiles."

The rape trial, it tolls for thee.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Facts in the Case of M. Polanski: Age of Consent Is for Wankers

Really, what government moron came up with that age of consent nonsense? Any which way you cut it, it's just plain unjust.

If you set the age of consent too low, children will be abused. If you set it too high, people that are in fact mature enough to have sex will have their lovers wrongfully punished just because of some idiotic legal fiction. No matter what age of consent you pick, it will always be wrong for most people, as every individual develops, well, individually.

In a reasonable country, whether a person is physically, mentally, and emotionally mature enough to have sex would be decided individually on a case by case basis. In fact, to avoid all those after the fact statutory rape trials, people should get examined before they have sex.

Like getting a driver's license. If examining people individually to make sure that they drive safely is worth the cost, then keeping innocent people from getting wrongfully imprisoned just because they fucked someone under an arbitrary age should be more than worth the cost of such a program?

Of course a license in shape of an ID would be awkward, particularly in a time when many people are still ashamed to talk about sex. "Hey, baby, can I see your ID? I wanna fuck you later tonight."

How about a tattoo instead of an ID? I bet teenagers would find that cool, and it saves the trouble of asking awkward questions. And if someone really hates sex, then they simply won't apply to get that tattoo, so they'll never be bothered by being hit on, as it's obvious that they either don't want to or aren't allowed to have sex.

Who said there aren't any meaningful rites of passage in our society? Here's one for you.

And what does that mean for Roman Polanski? Well, it's way too late to examine his alleged victim, but from the examinations that were made and from the testimony that was recorded we know that:

His alleged victim was sexually active before the incident.

She had been having her period before.

She was not physically injured by whatever he did/didn't do to/with her.

So on the count of statutory "rape," "pedophilia," or "child" abuse we'll have to give Polanski the benefit of the doubt, as his alleged victim was physically mature enough to have sex, and it is too late to examine her psyche now.

And as there is no evidence for rape except for the alleged victim's unsupported claims, the upshot of the whole thing is:

Roman Polanski is innocent.

Monday, October 19, 2009

What's in a Word, Feminazi?

Now, I understand that some morons might object to my (or anyone else's) use of the word feminazi. (And you probably don't appreciate being called morons, do you, morons?) So listen good, morons.

Different people use the same word differently. For example, that fundie fascist moron Rush Limbaugh uses the word feminazi to disparage those heroic women who fight for their right to have an abortion. Now, there are many moronic right wing nuts, but Limbaugh takes the cake.

At times he is a source of some primitive but fun humor, though. Like Club Gitmo. It's fun, because in a way he's right — the terrorists there weren't punished nearly severely enough. On the other hand, it's simplistic, because there were and are many innocent people imprisoned there.

And then he spouts all that fundie shit while he himself is addicted to painkillers. So you'd think he'd cut other "sinners" some slack. There's a simple diagnosis for his condition: It's called galactically stupid.

But doesn't Limbaugh keep spouting Ayn Rand quotes?

Well, that's best answered with a scene from A Fish Called Wanda:

Otto: Don't call me stupid.

Wanda: Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.

Wanda: Yes, they do, Otto. They just don't understand it.

Everybody's favorite encyclopedic writers' collective notes:

In an interview, Gloria Steinem characterized Limbaugh's use of the term "feminazi" as ironic since feminists and other political dissenters were among the victims of Nazi concentration camps and Nazi work camps. According to Steinem, "Hitler came to power against the strong feminist movement in Germany, padlocked the family planning clinics, and declared abortion a crime against the state — all views that more closely resemble Rush Limbaugh's. In her book Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions, Steinem elaborates on the repression of feminism under Hitler, noting that many prominent German feminists like Helene Stöcker, Trude Weiss-Rosmarin and Clara Zetkin were forced to flee Nazi Germany while others were killed in concentration camps.

Now, a feminazi is not the same animal as a feminist. A feminist is a person who knows that women have the same rights as men. A feminazi, on the other hand, is the very antithesis of a feminist. A feminazi is a person that hates men and sex, that believes that women should have all rights and men none at all.

Observe (to use one of Ayn Rand's favorite words) that I said person, not woman. There can be, at least in theory, male feminazis, as people are able to hate themselves.

But even if the nazi German nazis persecuted feminazis along with feminists, that doesn't make it illogical to call feminazis feminazis. Like all criminals, like the commies, the nazis had plenty of infighting. Just that someone was persecuted by the nazis is no guarantee that he or she was a not a nazi before or even was a nice person.

Likewise, the nazis rounded up and executed plenty of commies. That does not mean that those commies were less evil criminals with less vile plans than the nazis.

Commies and nazis are merely two competing gangs of thugs. In the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre, Al Capone had some competition executed. That doesn't make the competition nice folks.

Under communism, all property is "owned" by the state. Under fascism, property is nominally owned by the individual, but de facto controlled by the state. The alleged beneficiary of communism is a collective called "the working class" — or to make it sound a little more inclusive, "the people." The alleged beneficiary of fascism is a collective called "the race" — or to make it sound a little more inclusive, "the nation." The true beneficiary of communism is the politburo. The true beneficiary of fascism is the fuehrer and his cronies.

Nazis, commies, mobsters, and feminazis are all evil, because they all have one thing in common: They use force, or make their government use force on their behalf, against innocent people.

Now I suppose I could call feminazis femicommies, 'cause they're a little closer to commies than to nazis in their politics. But though I like coining new words, I don't feel like it in this case. Femicommie just doesn't sound as good.

Besides, as I said, the differences between commies and nazis are slight. If you look at the Nolan Chart, you'll find that the traditional political spectrum with the commies as the diametrical opposite of the fascists is a lot of bullshit. Imagine it more like a clock, if that helps, with libertarians at the top at twelve o'clock, liberals on the left at nine o'clock, conservatives on the right at three o'clock, and at the bottom commies at 6:01 and nazis right next to them at 5:59.

So feminists are not like nazis, but feminazis are. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, feminazis.

The Feminazi Talks

I had hoped to stay aloof from the David Letterman vs. the monoamorous fundie zombies farce, but as I have to write on another fundie/feminazi victim, Roman Polanski, here goes.

"As 'the boss,' he [Letterman, or presumably any man] is responsible for setting the tone for his entire workplace — and he did that with sex. In any work environment, this places all employees — including employees who happen to be women — in an awkward, confusing and demoralizing situation."

ugly feminazi

Among reasonable people, a work environment where you can have sex with your boss would be considered relaxed, enlightened, and fun. That of course presupposes that you don't regard sex as evil, don't regard work as a joyless "professional" drudgery, and don't regard your "boss" as a ruler and an enemy, but as an equal associate, a customer.

The funny thing is that the feminazi position is equally informed by wing nut and moon bat insanity. (So Reason and Liberty Central is practically killing two bats with one article here.)

The "sex as evil" theme of course originates with the right-wing fundies, though the commies sure have their own version of the anti-sex league. Both agree that work is a dutiful drudgery, either to sacrifice yourself to god or to the mob. The "boss as evil" theme is obviously the commies' stock in trade, though needless to say the conservative authoritarian fundie fascists likewise want your boss to be an authority figure to be obeyed, not a buddy to be fucked.

As that old bat sicked her Doberperson on brought up Roman Polanski, a joke from Chinatown should be perfect to illustrate this point:

So there's this fella who's tired of screwing his wife.

His friend says, "Why not do what the Chinese do?"

So he says, "What do they do?"

His friend says the Chinese they screw for a while. And then they stop and they read a little Confucius and they screw some more and they stop and they smoke some opium and then they go back and screw some more and they stop again and they contemplate the moon or something and it makes it more exciting. So this other guy goes home to screw his wife and after a while he stops and gets up and goes into the other room only he reads Life magazine and he goes back and he screws some more and suddenly says, "Excuse me a second," and he gets up and smokes a cigarette and he goes back and by this time his wife is getting sore as hell.

So he screws some more and then he gets up to look at the moon and his wife says, "What the hell do you think you're doing? You're screwing like a Chinaman."

So basically, reasonable people in a reasonable work environment in a reasonable country would fuck some, work some, fuck some — who said work has to be unfun? Not that I expect fundies or feminazis to get that. After all, it's "fun die" and "nazi."

"Men behaving badly is exactly the problem in this country. It's not a diversion — it's at the core of why women are unequal, why they are kept in second-class citizenship."

— ugly feminazi

"All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others."

— George Orwell, Animal Farm.

The only problem is women wanting to be more equal than men. That is, many women want it both ways.

On the one hand, they don't want to be the traditionalist authoritarian fundie fascists' slaves anymore. They don't want to any longer be chained to the triple evils of the KKK — kirk, kids, kitchen. They want a career, meaningful work, an individual purpose in life.

On the other hand, when it suits them, they want the vile traditional morals to go on. They want to get away with being a dinner whore. When they hear their biological clock ticking, they want to capture a man, to make him commit to be their sperm bank, their handyman, and their ATM. And of course they want to force monoamory on men, as some sort of a cheap, quick-fix ersatz self-esteem. "My face may be plain, my hooters may be small, my career may be stalled, but I made my man to fuck just me, of all the women, in all the cities, in all the world, so I must be special." Yuck.

Those women want all the freebies, but none of the duties that come with traditional morality.

Only when those women stop listening to the three evil ps — priests, parents, peers — only when those women stop permitting the three evil ps to turn them into priggish, unfun, joyless, jealous, clingy, mindless, manipulative, parasitic second-handers and fanatic breeders, only when those women start thinking for themselves, as many men do, only then will women be the intellectual, economic, and social equals of men.

[Ugly feminazi] O'Neill linked the Polanski and Letterman controversies to a broader trend that has troubled her in recent years — nasty, gender-based attacks on women in public life, such as Hillary Rodham Clinton, Sarah Palin, Michelle Obama and new Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor.

"We're living in a time when women who put themselves forward as leaders are subjected to vicious misogynistic attacks — it's very analogous to sexual harassment in the workplace," she said in the interview. "The message to other women is, 'Stay in your place.' "

I'm not sure about Michelle Obama, but the problem with Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, and Sonia Sotomayor is not that they're women, but that they're fascists. So the message is not, "Stay in your place!" but, "Don't try to run my life by force! Don't tread on me!"

It gets even better worse:

On the ["]job[" You call that delusional activism a job?] for four months, [ugly feminazi] O'Neill has found the work intense — particularly trying to keep up-to-date on how the evolving health care proposals might affect women.

She worries that the eventual plan might lack a public option allowing the government to sell health insurance in competition with private companies, and that such a result would dismay many women.

"It breaks my heart," she said, expressing fears that many progressive women would be so disheartened that they wouldn't vote in 2010 and thus create an opening for "dreadful, anti-women candidates to win."

It breaks my heart, too: If there won't be a fascist "government option," women may vote fewer new fascists into office. The horror!

Feminazis, with the wide availability of game, your stock in trade is in a tailspin. (No, Virginia, you don't have to be in a relationship to have sex.)

With the perfection of the fembot, it will be worthless. So I suggest you start practicing being as low-maintenance as a fembot and developing a unique selling proposition that fembots can't offer, like a lovable personality, or in the future your long walks on the beach will be vibrant.

Sluts of the world (male and female), arise! Smash those fundies! Cast those feminazis down the sewers!

These Colors Don't Run

But the frosting might?

One hopes that these colors stand not for the Confederate States of Dumbfuckistan or the United States of Soviet Canuckistan, but for liberty and justice for all.

So what's the world coming to? :P

Some Old Man River Perspective

To put things into perspective, even in the Confederate States of Dumbfuckistan it is possible to fight for one's rights as a lesbian without being burned at the stake (yet). That's more than in Iran.

BTW, did you notice that that place in Mississippi is called Wesson? I think… I'm gonna move to Colt.

Anyway, they shouldn't pick on that poor girl so much, or she may turn from a trumpet player into a trumpet shifter. :P

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Free Roman!

Apprehended like a common terrorist Saturday evening, September 26, as he came to receive a prize for his entire body of work, Roman Polanski now sleeps in prison.

He risks extradition to the United States for an episode that happened years ago and whose principal plaintiff repeatedly and emphatically declares she has put it behind her and abandoned any wish for legal proceedings.

Seventy-six years old, a survivor of Nazism and of Stalinist persecutions in Poland, Roman Polanski risks spending the rest of his life in jail for deeds which would be beyond the statute-of-limitations in Europe.

We ask the Swiss courts to free him immediately and not to turn this ingenious filmmaker into a martyr of a politico-legal imbroglio that is unworthy of two democracies like Switzerland and the United States. Good sense, as well as honor, require it.

The Roman Polanski farce has been going on long enough now. No matter what he did do or did not do (Reason and Liberty Central will publish an article on that), he ought to be freed immediately.

For in the man's woman's current injustice system, he got as much of a chance to get a fair trial as Kunta Kinte got a chance to find his soul mate at a Merle Haggard concert. How many morons are there that believe that a man accused of rape in the fundie fascist Confederate States of Dumbfuckistan or the feminazi United States of Soviet Canuckistan has a snowball's chance in hell to get a fair trial?

In the Confederate States of Dumbfuckistan (or for that matter, in any fundamentalist country) a fundie can bible thump eleven good men (and women even more easily), who don't dare arguing with Christianity, into ruling that the defendant is guilty merely for having had consensual extramarital sex. In the United States of Soviet Canuckistan (or for that matter, in any liberal democracy) a feminazi can pussy whip eleven good men (and women even more easily), who don't dare arguing with feminazism, into ruling that the defendant is guilty merely for having had consensual extrarelationshipal sex. Fundies and feminazis have as little business trying sex-related cases as racists have any business trying black people.

Just like there ought to be a moratorium on the death penalty until a system is in place to make sure that no innocent individuals are executed, there ought to be a moratorium on rape trials until fundies and feminazis that would pussy whip eleven good men into convicting an innocent man of rape for the mere "crime" of having consensual sex with a would-be slut that got cold feet in the morning are barred from serving on juries.

The corollary of a moratorium on rape trials is of course that for the time being, women will have to pack heat to fend off real rapists. Well, whenever reason is eliminated from human intercourse, force must rule.

Thanks for nothing, fundies. Thanks for nothing, feminazis.

Polanski "is a convicted criminal pedophile" and making excuses for him is "dangerous talk," [ugly feminazi] O'Neill declared earlier this month after some luminaries in Hollywood and Europe questioned a move by Swiss authorities to detain the film director for possible extradition to the U.S.

So put this dangerous talk in your pipe and smoke it, feminazi.

Free Roman!

"Capitalism," Dubai Style

If you thought Southern slavocrats and Russian kleptocrats had been giving capitalism a bad name, get a load of this: "The Dark Side of Dubai".

I used to say, "Wait till the bottom falls out of Dubai," but I didn't expect it to fall that soon or that spectacularly.

In 2001, we were, for the first time in human history, treated to the spectacle of skyscrapers collapsing. Now we may observe how a city disintegrates in a real-life version of I Am Legend.

Once Dubai runs out of cash, it runs out of oil to fire its desalination plants, and then, without water, human life will be impossible there. That's what happens if you build on sand, credit, and slavery, instead of on true capitalism, reason, and liberty.

Of course that's not the conclusion the commie author draws: "Dubai is Market Fundamentalist Globalization in One City."

Well, stealing passports and investing other people's money in unsustainable projects is not "market fundamentalism" or capitalism, it's force and fraud, the very antithesis of capitalism (voluntary cooperation to mutual advantage).

Capitalism cannot work if a country is ruled either by delusional monarchs or by equally delusional mobs. (Think of the mob rule in the US, the Fed the mob government appointed, and the bubble it created.) Capitalism can only work if the world is ruled by enlightened plutocrats, by entrepreneurs who act in the best long-term interest of their corporations, who rise to power not by birth or by populism, but by merit and productivity.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Fucker from Winnemucca

Nick Parker responds:

We don't smoke opium in Winnemucca
We slipped shrub a trip on LSD.
That's how we deal with each fundie sucker
'Cause we like livin' right 'n' bein' free.

I sure make a party out of lovin'!
Holdin' hands? You ain't seen nothing yet.
It lasts till my hair's grown long and shaggy,
Like the hippies out in San Francisco get.

I'm proud to be a fucker from Winnemucca,
A place where balls can even have a square
We still wave Old Glory but burned the courthouse,
Yeah, tequila sure's the biggest thrill affair.

Leather boots are still in style for manly footwear;
Though beads 'n' Roman sandals can be seen.
Football was the roughest thing on campus,
Till me and the kids here killed the college dean.

I'm proud to be a fucker from Winnemucca,
A place where balls can even have a square.
We still wave Old Glory but burned the courthouse,
Yeah, tequila sure's the biggest thrill affair.

Yeah, tequila sure's the biggest thrill affair,
In Winnemucca, Nevada, USA.

Hooker from Toluca

Today (or rather, tonight) Reason and Liberty Central salutes a minority marginalized, nay, criminalized by the fascist fundie scum: the oldest, best, and most important profession in the world.

BTW, as sex is a spiritual experience, it is protected from government interference by the First and Fourteenth Amendments. So all laws against prostitution are null and void.

No spurious right to privacy necessary. Not that I expect the man to get that, as being a moron is a requirement for becoming a constitutional scholar or a judge.

Anyway, here goes (with apologies to Merle Haggard, Chinga Chavin, and Kinky Friedman):

We don't smoke marijuana in Toluca
We just take our drugs against VD
We got from that wannabe Chewbacca.
We like lovin' right, which ain't free.

We sure do turn finance into romance:
No money, no funny bunny honey.
We can't let our hair grow long and shaggy:
Gettin' your hair done sure costs fuckin' money.

And I'm proud to be a hooker from Toluca,
A place where even squares can use a ball.
We still flip off the pigs down at the courthouse,
And Hugh Grant, he's still the bestest john of all.

Fuck-me boots are still in style for girly footwear;
Beads and Roman sandals won't be seen.
BJs ain't the roughest thing on campus,
And Toluca still hasn't got a college dean.

I'm proud to be a hooker from Toluca,
A place where even squares can use a ball.
We still flip off the pigs down at the courthouse,
And Hugh Grant, he's still the bestest john of all.

And Hugh Grant, he's still the bestest john of all,
In Toluca, California, USA.