Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween, Looters!

The beef I have with Halloween is not its pagan origin (love it) or the silly costumes. It's not the glaring contradiction of letting kids run around in the dark accosting strangers in an age when taking any kind of photos of kids is being criminalized.

The fact that kids running around after dark might get them killed does not justify banning running around after dark. Just like the fact that guns can be used as murder weapons does not justify banning guns. Just like the fact that kitchen knives can be used as murder weapons does not justify banning kitchen knives. Just like the fact that drugs can get you addicted does not justify banning drugs. Just like the fact that photos of kids can be used by perverts to jack off does not justify banning taking photos of kids.

The problem I have with Halloween is that kids are being taught it's OK to blackmail people. Suddenly, kids that supposedly are too young to drink, to consent to having sex, to own guns, to drive, or to vote are expected to understand that "trick or treat" is only kidding, and that big-time blackmail is not acceptable in real life.

So is it witchcraft that every second a looter seems to be born?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Regulation: Everybody's Stupid

So everybody's stupid and dishonest, that's why the economy is in turmoil, so "we" need to regulate it some more, so "that can never happen again." (Where have I heard that one before?) As investment bankers are apparently stupid and reckless, they need to be restrained by force, so that the government can fix the economy by fraud.

"Regulation" is nothing but barefaced aggression by government thugs against consenting adults doing business with each other. But unabashed use of force is not the only weapon in the arsenals governments (i.e., criminals elected by mobs of idiots and bums) bring to bear on the economy (i.e., on all productive people). Simple caveman force is accompanied by the most complex forms of fraud, like deficit spending that has to be recouped some day either by force (like taxes or tariffs) or more fraud, like printing "money" (i.e., worthless paper instead of real money, which is a commodity with real-world uses like gold or silver).

As I pointed out before, the government is to blame for at least half of the turmoil going on right now. But of course, even in a totally free, capitalist country without any government, there would be periods of boom and bust — as long as human beings aren't omniscient and perfect.

So consenting adults doing business with each other get high on irrational exuberance, causing a boom. When they see the error of their ways, irrational exuberance collapses into the hangover of irrational mistrust, causing a bust. Well, what do you expect from a system where billions of less than perfect people interact, everyone of them acting on imperfect information?

Stock speculation is nothing but gambling. Ever heard, A Random Walk down Wall Street? If you want to be on the safe side, you got to be a long-term investor.

But how in hell can the government clowns and the morons that elect them make themselves believe that they are honest, intelligent, or perfect enough to know what everybody else should do, to the point of initiating the use of force? If people are too stupid and dishonest to be permitted to engage in voluntary, unregulated trade with each other, how can they be wise and honest enough to elect those who will be authorized to force everyone how to do business?

In the olden days, the people had a monarch. It was believed that through his breeding and training, he would be the man who could be trusted to order everyone else around.

The result was general starvation and misery. Naturally, a monarch is the result of utter disregard for genetics, the product of a distinguished long line of incest ensuring the greatest ass possible, sure to come up with the dumbest decisions possible.

Nowadays, we are more enlightened. We elect our dictators. Yet we retain the warranty that our rulers remain the greatest possible asses, even though they're not the products of incest (maybe excepting the Palins). If "we" are stupid, how can we hope to elect anybody who's not stupid?

You say, Main Street can and should be trusted to rule Wall Street? Because the Jesus freaks on Main Street and the selfless silver spoon socialists on the Upper East Side are less greedy and dishonest than those godless, egoistic "Wall Street Jews"? (Yes, that's what those fascist Jesus freaks are calling bankers again. Just Google it if you don't believe me.)

If so, then they're more stupid, too. Just look at the scum they propose to elect to enforce either national socialism or national socialism. The Jesus freaks: McAlzheimer and the Palindrome. The silver spoon socialists: Barrack Hussein Osama and the Bidet. Neither McAlzheimer and the Palindrome nor Osama and the Bidet would be fit to run a moose burger joint.

Did you never notice that in fact the average politician or regulator is always more stupid than the average businessman? Well, that's democracy.

It's a basic law of nature that you cannot get more information out of a system than is in it. Ever tried to blow up a pixelated photo?

Accordingly, elected politicians will be as dumb as or dumber than the average of the electorate. (Barring aberrations, like when the mob underestimates a candidate).

The difference between capitalism and democracy is that under democracy every individual, irrespective of his or her stupidity, has an equal vote. In capitalism, the more intelligent individual tends to be more productive, thus tends to be richer, thus tends to own more stock, thus tends to have more votes at the shareholders' meeting.

That does not mean that capitalism is perfect. Just think worthless heirs.

As most people are stupid to some degree, even capitalism can only mitigate that general stupidity of humanity. Yet, on average, any action undertaken by a capitalist corporation will be more rational and successful than any action concocted by a democratic government.

In the context of today's economy, any action by governments can only make matters worse. The only rational thing to do is to wait for people to overcome their irrational fears and start trusting and lending each other again.

And while we still have democracy, not capitalism, you can of course vote for Bob Barr. Sock it to the collectivist McAlzheimer-Palindrome-Osama-Bidet cabal.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Word of the Day: Palindrome

palindrome (pal' in drōm'), n. something that does not make sense either forward or backward: Sarah Palindrome might just as well talk backwards, it would make just as little sense. [Palin + syndrome]

Thursday, October 23, 2008

What's the Difference between Sarah Palin and…

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and a jack-o'-lantern?

Well, one is a shriveled, empty-headed country pumpkin; the other is a jack-o'-lantern.

By the way, the kids on my block wanted to dress up as Sarah Palin for Halloween. I told them to go for something prettier, like a witch or Frankenstein's monster. Or something fresher, like a zombie. Or something more civilized, like King Kong. Or something more intelligent, like a cabbage.

OK, back to our scheduled program…

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and a moose ass?

A moose ass ain't that full of bullshit.

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and a Rocky Moose-tain oyster?

A Rocky Moose-tain oyster got a higher IQ and better taste.

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and the server at the Wasilla moose burger joint?

The server at the Wasilla moose burger joint knows how to spell "moose."

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and the Wasilla wastebasket?

The Wasilla wastebasket has already seen a newspaper.

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's IQ and winter temperatures in Alaska?

Both are negative numbers, but winter temperatures in Alaska don't go off the scale.

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's IQ and an oil well?

An oil well doesn't go that far down.

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and an idiot?

What? Did the fundies already indoctrinate your brain out of your head? Obviously, there is no difference.

No new fundies!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Presidential Elections Postponed?

Today, Sarah Palin's lawyers applied to the Supreme Court for an injunction to postpone the presidential election till next July.

Their legal opinion: "It would be extremely unfair to Governor Palin to hold an election at this time of year.

"You have to understand, Governor Palin ain't stupid. Her brain just froze."

No new fundies!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Top Ten Things Sarah Palin Can Do for Her Party and Her Country

(10) Tell Vladimir Putin (and his ex-KGB guards) to his face what she's telling about him behind his back.

(9) Start breeding brain cells like she breeds kids.

(8) Get her head back into her moose ass, fast.

(7) Have a brain switch operation with baby Trig, easily doubling her IQ.

(6) Move her Mormon tribe to Salt Lake City and run for village idiot.

(5) Shut the fuck up.

(4) Apply for a job she's qualified for, like janitor at the Wasilla town hall.

(3) Quintuple her IQ by going blond.

(2) Get laid by Dubya: As two negatives make a positive, their kids simply have to be geniuses.

And the single best thing Sarah Palin can do for her party and her country is:

(1) Go hunting with Dick Cheney.

No new fundies!

Monday, October 20, 2008

People Who Live in Glass Towers…

Having defended The Donald's do, I can't possibly let this one slide… In case the link goes dead, it's the good old "flip-flops and skimpy attire in the office aren't professional" routine.

(Note the toadying comments below his post! Hilarious!)

I have to admit, I was a bit surprised to hear that from The Donald, of all people. Who would you rather do business with: someone in skimpy attire and flip-flops, or someone in an outrageous comb over — who, to add insult to injury, even refuses to shake hands with you? The Donald should be the last person in the world to criticize anybody's style.

By the way, the other day I saw a pic of him in an old magazine, from the early nineties. Back then, his do didn't look quite that bad. I think it was some kind of a comb over even then, but he still had a reasonable enough amount of hair to wear it with some dignity.

I think the evolution of The Donald's do is like frying a frog. They say if you set a frog in a hot frying pan, he'll hop out. But if you set him in a cold pan and slowly turn up the heat, he'll never notice the gradual increase in temperature and allow himself to get fried.

Now, I'm not a Frenchman, so I wouldn't do that to a poor varmint, but it sure has some bearing on the matter at hand, or rather, at hair. Likely, slowly losing hair after hair, The Donald never noticed how his comb over got more and more, to use his expression, "inappropriate" over the years.

Anyway, when I start hiring, it'll be:

"Keep, ancient firms, your professional pomp!" cries me
"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your sweating masses yearning to breathe free,
The flip-flopping refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the workless, Trump-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside Trump's golden door!"

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Palin in a Wolf Trap

When I was hiking in Alaska the other day, I happened across a Palin in a wolf trap.

How do I know that guy was a Palin?

Well, he had a Swiss Army Knife between his teeth, had amputated both arms and a leg, but was still stuck.

No new fundies!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Maverick and the Moron

Team of mavericks? My ass.

Either you're a maverick or you're part of a team. You can't be both.

Every time I hear Sarah Palin speak, my brain tries to skip from my skull. It just can't stand such a concerted attack of idiocy.

She makes Bush look like a genius. If nomen were omen, Sarah Palin's first name would have to be Sahara, for the barrenness of her mind.

Too bad Palin's not intelligent enough to pass for a moron. Would have been such a catchy title for her ticket: Maverick and the Moron. The M&M ticket.

Now it's gotta be Alzheimer and the Imbecile. Or rather, Alzheimer and the Idiot.

No new fundies!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Happy Boss Day, Assclowns!

Happy Another Hallmark Holiday! With this one, the clowns at Hallmark hit the jackpot, didn't they? Not a brownnoser in the world who won't become their customer tomorrow.

According to everybody's favorite joke of an encyclopedia, this "holiday" is about "Thanking workplace superiors for being kind and fair throughout the year." But in capitalism — voluntary cooperation to mutual advantage — being kind and fair is the responsibility of every boss and merits no special gratitude.

Any boss who fails to recognize that does not deserve the title "boss," is only grist for the mill of socialists (like Commissar Day is any better), and ought to be treated like the assclown from Nine to Five.

Instead of giving your boss a card or even a gift, give him or her a report card stating how well he or she fulfilled his or her responsibility of being kind and fair this past year.

But don't blame me if that gets you fired or stalls your career. Well, unless you're morbidly risk-averse, a born brownnoser, or working for an exceptional company, you're better off as an independent contractor anyways.

Sock it to the man, buster.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Category Five Bimbo

Hey, let's talk some more about everybody's favorite bimbo. Make that, brunette bimbo. In fact, she's brunettes' answer to blonde jokes.

Sarah Palin's been called a lot of things. Dan Quayle with a Ponytail. Hitler in High Heels. Now, Bill Maher called her a "category five moron."

I beg to disagree with this one. That cannot possibly be true.

Moron was originally an English scientific term, coined in 1910 by psychologist Henry H. Goddard from the Greek word moros, which meant "dull" (as opposed to "sharp"), and used to describe a person with a mental age located between 8 and 12 on the Binet scale. It was once applied to people with an IQ of 51-70, being superior in one degree to "imbecile" (IQ of 26-50) and superior in two degrees to "idiot" (IQ of 0-25).

Thus, you see, there are no category five morons — if a person is category five in stupidity, that makes her a category five idiot. In fact, back in Alaska, Palin was a regular participant in the Idiot Race (not to be confused with the more well known Iditarod Race).

Too bad she lost every time because she shot and field dressed her dogs. But then that's more or less par for the course at the Idiot Race.

Yet we should be grateful that Sarah Palin is with us today. Had she been around in 1925, Nome would have been wiped out by diphtheria.

By the way, speaking of field dressing…

If you've killed a cow moose, locate its uterus — if it's pregnant, remove fetus and transplant it to a surrogate moose womb because you don't believe in killing the unborn. You can shoot it later when it grows up.

Palin may be good for nothing, but at least she disproves all those stupid blonde jokes. You may not know this, but blondes are highly intelligent. All the stupidity that was available to nature went into Sarah Palin.

The eye of the bimbo:

Not a pretty sight. Someone's IQ going negative.

And I thought nobody could beat Dubya. At least no one with a pulse. Well, having a pulse doesn't guarantee having brainwaves.

Why, oh, why, did they ever let her out of her padded cell? But I already suspect the ugly truth.

You know, Alaska must be a bit behind the times. They don't yet have that nifty little invention called "Bellevue."

As the saying goes, you can put all the lipstick you want on a war pig… I say, no new fundies!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Quote of the Day

"Right now we are advising all our clients to put everything they've got into canned food and shotguns."

— Brain Gremlin

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Free Levi!

Please help! Don't let this poor boy get field dressed!

Free Levi! Save the children!

Meet Sarah Palin, the Thief

Speaking of corrupt fundie-publicans, Sarah Palin, the moron, stole $13,000 from taxpayers to go and spread her religion. How does that bode for the separation of church and state under Maverick/Moron?

The real perversion is that corporate executives go to jail for embezzling so much as information from their shareholders. It's called insider trading.

Now, other than in government, in business it isn't wrong to take such perks. If a shareholder disagrees with these perks, he or she can always get out. Did you ever try to get out from under your government?

Both in a corporation and under a government, you can elect new executives. But with just two parties and political machines being political machines, chances are the next government executive will be just another crook.

Moreover, a government has the power to take more money from you by force once it has wasted the money it originally took from you. A corporation has no power to take any more money from you above and beyond your initial investment.

As for your initial investment, you can sell your stock (maybe at a loss). To get out from under your government, you have to sell all of your property in the state (maybe at a loss) and physically move out of state.

On the federal or national levels it's even worse, as all land is claimed by some government and no other government may be willing to accept you. It may be very hard to get a visa to move to another country.

And of course you can't secede and set up a new country. That would be treason or terrorism or worse, wouldn't it?

The problem is that governments arrogate themselves a territory where they claim a monopoly on the legal use of force. That's what makes them more dangerous than corporations.

That's why insider traders should not go to jail, but Sarah Palin should. And why in the future everything should be done by corporations, and nothing by government.

"Even the most precious functions of government — say, collecting taxes or hanging men — would be better done if the doing of them were farmed out to Ford." — H.L. Mencken

Now, Mencken was wrong about the first part. If a corporation is permitted to collect taxes, it becomes a government. But he was dead right on the latter part.

So Your Daughter Is a Porn Star…

In my outrage, I didn't say what should be done if a minor distributes nude pics of herself.

This isn't a case for the police. The school should have called the parents or legal guardians and told them:

"Your daughter keeps sending nude pics of herself to who knows who. There's an off chance that might get her raped.

"You may want to talk with her about that. And maybe you should take away her cell phone."

And that should have been the end of that matter.

But thanks to fascist laws written by fundie-publican morons, and thanks to the universal hatred for sex, the human body, and this world spread by the fundies, no person of any age is safe anymore enjoying herself, particularly not in Redneckistan.

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy." — H.L. Mencken

As happy as sending nude pics of her body to her friends.

To the fundies, any pleasure, and particularly sex, is sinful. They believe that on this earth, human beings must suffer, so they may go to heaven. They believe that only by extirpating any kind of joy anywhere, they can buy their ticket to heaven.

Wake up and smell the coffee. You think rapists and perverts are the gravest dangers to your kids?

It's the fundie-publican pigs that aggress against your kids. And if the fundie-publicans are permitted to further poison minds by being permitted to hold offices of public trust, you and your children won't be safe anywhere, not in Realistan, nowhere.

Down with the fundie-publicans! November 2008 is yellow dog time!

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Apex of Moronia: Newark, Ohio

(History will mark this as the point where Alex lost respect for all mankind.)

"Teen Charged for Sending Nude Phone Photos"

Authorities considering charges for students who received photos

If this goes on, I fear for the continued existence of the US of A.

Some lessons for the christo-fascists:

A fifteen-year-old is not a child. (People treating the sexuality of sexually mature teenagers as pedophilia have no business whatsoever looking down on Islamic extremists stoning women.)

Victim and criminal cannot be the same person. (If she's too young to agree to produce porn, then she's too young to be held responsible as well, you morons.)

Receiving something against one's will cannot be a crime. (If someone emails the moron in chief teen porn, will he be impeached?)

What's next?

Will masturbating teens be charged with statutory rape?

Will people who commit suicide be charged with murder?

If a thief forces me to take a stolen dollar bill from him, will I be prosecuted as a fence?

In any event, the title of Apex of Moronia has now officially passed from Arkansas to Newark, Ohio. Obviously, the IQs of those fucktards holding the august offices of pigs and prosecutors in that shit hole of a town, and those of the cavepersons that elected them, never ever reach room temperature.

Then maybe, the pigs and prosecutors in question are cowards, not morons? Maybe they did not want to do that to the kid, but felt the law left them no choice?

That neatly refutes "rule of law, not of men." Laws can only be very general guidelines that will never be applicable literally to any one case.

Those tasked with enforcing the law need common sense and the leeway to act on it. As I said before, "What is needed is not so much objective laws as objective people…"

Then I was talking about corrupt lawmen ignoring good laws. This is the diametrical opposite, potentially good lawmen not being free to waive bad laws.

In any event, laws, good or bad, can never replace reason. There are more than enough of the former, in Jesusland and everywhere else, but the latter is in woefully short supply, particularly in Dumbfuckistan.

I thought only people from the wrong side of the Mason-Dixon Line sleep with their sisters. But what else but centuries of indiscriminate incest can be responsible for the raging moronia in Jerkwater, Shitsforbrainsylvania, pardon, Newark, Ohio?

In one word, this is disgusting. At the moment, I'm even ashamed of being a fan of country music.

Time for whatever reasonable individuals are left in the US to secede from Dumbfuckistan? And no, the rednecks don't get to keep the nukes, no way.

For further exploration:

The morons' paper discussing the moron lawmakers' surprise at the unintended consequences of the fundie law:

Visit the Apex of Moronia on the web:

Yes, Virginia, even Podunk got a website these days.