Thursday, January 15, 2009

Should I Found The Church of Alexology?

That "become a witch doctor and get another vote" business made me think… When the fundies finally implement that, I should be prepared and have twenty years as a cult church leader under my belt.

So I thought of founding The Church of AlexologySM. Here's the deal: I get ten percent of your income.

In turn, you get one billion hours of free internet access after your death (yes, I lifted that from Dilbert) or The Secret of Eternal LifeSM when I find it (whichever happens first). And ladies, if I think you look good you have the fingerprint of Hank on your face, you get to come in into holy communion with your witch doctor guru pastor (talk about spiritual experiences).

Plus, you can buy an Alex figurine for a mere $99.99 (+ tax) to exorcise all evil spirits from your home with The Awesome Power of CuteSM. (Who said I'm not that cute? Seize the heretic!)

You say you don't want to hole up at home all your life? Lucky thou, thou art saved!

Just buy a lock of my hair for a mere $999.99 (+ tax) (hey, I can get a near infinite number of figurines, but I can only grow so much hair) to wear in a locket around your neck to protect you wherever you go with The Awesome Power of Great HairSM. (Now, that you can't deny. Look at the pic on the right and worship me.)

Of course, you'll also have to be conversant in Scripture. See the first three Books of AlexTM on the right.

I think I'm on to something here. Mwahahaha!

No comments: