House Mulls Assault Breathing Ban

Today, Congress Critter Nancy Pelousy introduced HR ID10T, popularly dubbed the Assault Breathing Ban.

Whereas, carbon dioxide output has been scientifically proven to lead to global warming via the greenhouse effect;

Whereas, global warming causes manmade natural disasters like tornados, hurricanes, and storm surges;

Whereas, natural disasters cause loss of life, injury, loss of property, and public cost for flood control and emergency management;

Whereas, causing said disasters amounts to a negligent initiation of the use of force against the victims and the government: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved that Congress shall regulate carbon dioxide output…

To summarize the bill, which is quite lengthy:

Once the bill is signed into law, all Americans will have two weeks to have their lung capacity measured by the ATF, which will issue a Lung License to each individual, stating their Sustainably Allowable CO2 and Karbonium-equivalent Output Future Footprint (SACKOFF).

Under this license, individuals have the privilege to emit an amount of CO2 corresponding to at-rest breathing at their lung capacity. Individuals wishing to participate in sports such as jogging or any other activity that breaks their SACKOFF will have to buy carbon offsets.

Unauthorized breathing will become a class one federal felony. Transgressors will be transported to Centers for De-carbonization Compliance (CDC), where their CO2 output will be permanently terminated.

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