A Thankful Turkey Day

Alex is totally thankful that The Obama and his little friend were elected and not McAlzheimer and the Turkey Crusher Woman.



And then that moron goes on about the government getting out of the way though she and McAlzheimer cheered on the bailout and she looted from oil companies. (Neither the State of Alaska nor the federal government did anything to improve the land. Hence, the land was still unowned when the oil companies came along. The oil companies established ownership of the land by drilling there and shouldn't have to pay tribute to the Alaskan mob and their ice queen.)

Nice People Are like…

Nice people are like carpet: They get walked all over.

You Know Your Play Flopped…

You know your latest play is a flop…

…if the audience goes, "Coup de grace! Coup de grace!" during the climactic dueling scene.

Woman to English Dictionary, Lesson One

Woman: "Surviving a tough spot without help serves you better. As newlyweds, my husband and I were both laid off, and I got pregnant, but we had a plan B, C and D. When you have to get creative about money, you get the best out of yourself."

English: "I made my husband work like a slave so he could buy me the home that I wanted. I accomplished that mostly by withholding sex. Fortunately, he believes women don't want sex as badly as men do, so he didn't call my bluff. Plus, he believes in monoamory, so he couldn't do what any sane human being would do, like, fuck somebody else. Excuse me, I'm gonna seduce the pool boy now."

Fundie Girl

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A Mop Is a Mop Is a Mop

Did you notice Sarah Palin's mop of a haircut?

As if her beehive wasn't bad enough.

That leaves only two options:

(A) Palin's hairdresser is a liberal or a libertarian.

(B) Palin's hair is just plain beyond a hairdresser's capacity to save.

Well, she ain't blond anyway, so WTF. I mean to say, what a mutt.

The Sitting Ducks of Fort Hood

Go figure:

When Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan started shooting up the Soldier Readiness Processing Center at Fort Hood, Pfc. Marquest Smith dove under a desk. The Associated Press reports that "he lay low for several minutes, waiting for the shooter to run out of ammunition and wishing he, too, had a gun."

Neither Smith nor the other victims of Hasan's assault had guns because soldiers on military bases within the United States generally are not allowed to carry them.

The other day I thought it would be fun to bet people $10 that they wouldn't storm into a recruiting office with a (painted toy) gun, jump onto a desk, and scream, "Allahu Akbar!"

Thought that would be a pretty surefire way to earn a Darwin Award. Now it looks like you can do it with impunity — at least until the local police arrive.

And I thought the Fort Hood shooting was the exception that probed the rule "if the mere presence of a firearm caused a shooting wouldn't we have large numbers of shootings at gun shows, gun stores, police stations, and military bases instead of at schools?"

Checking your premises reveals that military bases rank with schools, not with gun shows, gun stores, and police stations.

Look Cool Driving a Minivan

The only way to look cool driving a minivan consists of two simple steps:

(1) Scrap minivan.

(2) Buy roadster.

Guns Don't Kill People — Arabs Kill People?

In the wake of the Fort Hood shooting, moon bats called for banning all guns. Wing nuts called for banning all Arabs.

Top Ten Ways to Tell Your Kids the Goldfish Died

Unfortunately, the folks who made this here video on how to tell your kid the goldfish died forgot to consult Alex.

But fear not, for here are the real ten best ways to tell your kids the goldfish died:

(10) "You kids love Mr. Bigglesworth, don't you? See, today he's one happy and well-fed cat."

(9) "No, Mr. Bubbles isn't dead. He's just… drunk." (Is the pet store still open?)

(8) "Family, tonight there's fish for dinner!" Or, for our limey friends: "Chips, anyone?"

(7) "Otto West went thataway!"

(6) "Did you kids ever know that if it rains, it's the big fishbowl in heaven overflowing from another 'angelfish'? By the way, that little shower out there is Mr. Bubbles."

(5) "Guess who just won that excellent trip down the water slide in the bathroom?"

(4) "Small fry, I bought you this here elegant plastic fish. And the best thing is, it won't just die like Mr. Bubbles." (In fact, it'll still be around when the sun goes boom.)

(3) "Your mom's just died, so I'm gonna move in with my girlfriend. You kids I'm gonna sell into slavery in Saudi Arabia. And all your toys I'm gonna give to an orphanage. Only kidding, it's just that Mr. Bubbles died and I wanted to put things into perspective a bit."

(2) "Kids, I've got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is Mr. Bubbles' earthly sufferings are over. The bad news is Roman Polanski moved in next door."

And the single best way to tell your kids the goldfish died is:

(1) "Kids, let's be frank, Mr. Bubbles is no more. But don't be sad, before he died I was able to upload his soul into this here tiny computer." (You didn't think you'd ever be able to reuse that Tamagotchi, did you?)

But Will He Ever Show?

Don't buy a house from this man. ;)

Well, I guess you can try, but it will do you no good. :)

I think I know a chick or two that are related to him. :P